


Sanctuary

by Michichi69



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: ? - Freeform, Abuse of Authority, Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Accidental Death, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Assisted Suicide, Asylum, Authority Figures, Control Issues, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Dubious Ethics, Dubious Morality, Dubious Science, Electroconvulsive Therapy, F/M, Healthy Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Murder, Non-Consensual Electroconvulsive Therapy, Only Some Though..., Out of Character, Past Abuse, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, References to Depression, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Torture, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:08:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26914162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Michichi69/pseuds/Michichi69
Summary: Feliciano arrives at Sanctuary Sanitorium with a strange ailment. Monika, the well-known Nurse Beilschmidt, begins to chip away at the cracks. Lovino just wants to get the hell out but finds that's a task that comes with collateral damage.Post-WW2 Asylum AU
Relationships: Female Germany/North Italy (Hetalia), Germany/North Italy (Hetalia), South Italy/Spain (Hetalia)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 13





	1. Admitted to Sanctuary

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I deleted this story?? I was still writing the third chapter and yet I deleted it so I can't even explain that haha, if this story is familiar than it probably is but things will continue as usual.
> 
> Again, inspired by the book One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest but only loosely.
> 
> This isn't supposed to be a super long story so things might seem a little quick but I like it to be a shorter, concise, and contained story compared to my longwinded ones. Some chapters will be long, others will be shorter as I like to cut things off where it makes sense thematically/plot progression wise. Also, a fair warning is that this will be OOC for the most part, I'm quite loose with the original source material.
> 
> Any super outdated language when referring to mental health issues is not aligned with my beliefs in the 21st century of course.

_“The insane asylum on Blackwell's Island is a human rat-trap. It is easy to get in, but once there it is impossible to get out.”_

Nellie Bly, Ten Days in a Mad-House

* * *

“ _Satyriasis_!” Monika heard a shout; she had been watching attentively while caring for other patients as the reception was failing to calm this eccentric man down. A few others paid mind to what was happening just a few meters away from them, but most were too far in their own minds to pay even half of theirs to some stranger and a couple of nurses who were progressively becoming frustrated by how _persistent_ this man was being. “Come on! I’m _telling_ you there’s something terribly wrong with my – My, well, sex-drive!”

Monika flushed, turning away from the scene entirely and focusing on doing her rounds. This was something that the head nurse _should_ be able to control but seemed to be struggling with. For a second, she wondered if she should go help, she had been told she could keep a tight leash on people through intimidation. A cold hard stare down might be the end of this retched noise that was echoing throughout the facility. With a sigh, she realized that there may be no choice in the matter as the junior nurse, Erika, approached her with a scurried jog. 

“Nurse Beilschmidt, you’ve been requested to-“ Erika began before Monika stopped her with a hand.

“I’ll get to it,” She pre-emptively walked past the flustered teenager – Someone her age shouldn’t have to hear of such vulgar things anyway. “Attend to the patients, please.” She suggested to the poor girl who seemed more than comfortable as far away as possible from the feverish man.

“ _Sir_ ,” She said sternly, gaining his attention. He blinked a couple of times, amber eyes beginning to give her a look-over. “What is the problem here?” Arms folding, she could barely get them uncrossed before he attacked her with wandering hands and insistent lips. The hand on her breast had made her shriek unnaturally for someone with her composure. With all the force she could give, she pushed him off her, feeling the residual slick of saliva on her neck that made her grimace. Her hair had frayed from the surprising struggle for her dignity.

“ _Aha_ – See? I need to be admitted _immediately_!” He gestured towards Monika, who had donned a less than impressed expression. “No woman is safe so long as I’m in society! I’m sure not even a man would be safe in my company!” Monika noticeably grimaced at that implication.

She rubbed her neck of spit, disgusted by the stranger’s actions, “Well, what is the problem? Admit him if he wishes to be admitted.”

“That is against procedure, he needs to have an evaluation first to-“ Head Nurse Elizabeta had started to explain. A Hungarian woman with a tough exterior that was second to Monika’s. Second only because she often pulled down that exterior around familiar faces, Monika didn’t even give that pleasure. Monika, for once, didn’t care about the _procedure_. This man had more than proved himself as reckless at the least and if he wanted to prevent that by seeking medical attention then so be it.

“I will provide him a room with or without your permission. I cannot have him out _here_ – At least write his name down and we can consult with Dr.Abelsson,” She frowned at the grinning man. “You, stop that. As far as I’m concerned I could have you arrested for what you just did to me.” He dropped the smile in an instant. For someone who had acted so boldly just moments before, he sure did look terrified at the suggestion. 

“Oh no, no, _no_! Why would I come _here_ if I wanted to get carted away into a prison cell?! Please, _please_ , don’t call the police! I can’t control it, it’s a burning fever – Desire! Passion!” She turned to Elizabeta, a calloused expression competing against Elizabeta’s increasingly disturbed one. Even now he continued to ramble on – Talking about _everything_ that was ailing him. Disgusting.

“You, what is your name?” Monika had stopped him. He paused, registering what he’d heard.

“U-Uh, Feliciano Vargas! Yes, that’s my name! First name Feliciano. Last name Vargas.” She cocked an eyebrow at the hesitancy to state his name. It made her question if it was even real. But the earnest expression on his face just told her that he was utterly dumb.

“You have lost control of your loins, I was unaware you’ve lost your mind as well, Mr.Vargas,” She nodded to Elizabeta who was already writing his name down into the logbook. “Come with me, we will try to have you assessed as soon as possible. Put him down for room 302.” With a chipper demeanor, he followed her as she walked towards the hallway to the patient rooms. She was aware of an empty room on the third floor that would suit him nicely but as she walked, she looked behind every so often to check on him, to see what his face told her. He was happy. Too happy.

It was odd because someone with such an ailment was either too proud of it to admit it was a disgusting thing or truly treated it as an ailment and _wanted_ change, the ones who welcomed change were always easier patients. But this man, he didn’t _fit_ this. It was too rehearsed – Too perfect. He had explained it all too well like he’d studied exactly what he would say but he seemed to of forgotten that she was picking up on every little oddity that this _Feliciano_ emanated.

She came to a halt, causing him to crash into her before stumbling back in confusion, pulling out her keys. Flicked through the ring before finding the correct floor and wing and opened the door for him, “This is where you will be staying indefinitely – However long you need.” It was a nice room for someone who didn’t even have a problem in the first place.

He sighed happily, “Thank you, _grazie mille_ ,” He said it as if she had done nothing less than a miracle for him. When he stepped inside, Monika followed and closed the door behind her. “I really am sorry for that – I didn’t _want_ to do all that to you back there,” She watched unimpressed as he took his jacket off and sat on the edge of the bed. It seemed like it took him a while of silence to even notice that Monika had not taken her eyes off him the whole time – And she was not intending to play any games. “ _Um_ – Is there anything else?”

“Are you aware of the treatments for _satyriasis_?” She posited, raising an eyebrow as seeing his face change to one of thought.

“I don’t believe I do… Is it effective?” She couldn’t help but smile slightly before she suppressed it.

“How often do you masturbate a day, Mr.Vargas?” He shifted uncomfortably, looking away before going back to her face.

“I would imagine…” He frowned, “ _Seventy_ times a day is too much?” He asked. _Asked_. Unsure – Monika didn’t believe him but yes, seventy was rather excessive. Too excessive even.

“That does sound severe, doesn’t it? And you seem to have a problem with attacking women – Perhaps even men if you had the chance? I’m surprised that you haven’t even made a single comment or move now that I’ve closed this door. It’s as if you can just,” She snapped her fingers. An expression donned Feliciano’s face that revealed his nervousness. “Peculiar. _But_ , for such severe symptoms you’ve expressed, I would suggest castration, Mr.Vargas.” His eyes went wide before he stood up.

“ _Castration_ is a little severe isn’t it?” His hands rubbed against the sides of his pant legs. Sweating. Good, all this reaction served to prove was she was right about him.

“As I’ve said, you have severe symptoms, they require severe treatment. Castration is _very_ effective – I’m sure you would be relieved to know that you wouldn’t be capable of enacting such disgusting behavior if you’re so worried about _society_.” She didn’t hide her contempt for his poor performance. By now, her suspicions were confirmed.

“But I – I don’t _just_ have to use my genitals for something like that? I mean, I can _touch_ , uh – I can kiss!” She scoffed.

“Then we will cut off your hands and sew your mouth shut if it concerns you so much,” He shut up fast. Perhaps it was the most intelligence she had seen him display this entire time. “If you want to have an abnormality with sexual desire, Mr.Vargas, I suggest you keep your performance consistent at the least. _Seventy_ is too much for even an unhealthy man and I will not mention just how reckless your actions during your admission were to Dr.Abelsson so you get the _correct_ diagnosis. One that will keep your treasures intact.” He swallowed nervously.

“Thank you, I think,” He said hesitantly. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Right. But you are aware that I’m going to have to ensure you don’t have any weapons on you.”

“Oh, well, I don’t think I have anything bad.” He shrugged; Monika found such a thing laughable coming from him. As if that would be enough. She didn’t think he had a clue of what he had agreed to if that’s how easy he thought it would be.

She scoffed, “I hope you know that you’re a patient now. And patients cannot be trusted by their word alone. There will be no _mistakes_ ,” Shaking her head, she opened the door. “I will bring security to guide you to the showers, they will inspect you and your clothing there. For now, enjoy what little freedom you have been given now. I _will_ find out your reasoning for joining us at _Sanctuary_.”

“There is no reasoning,” Feliciano told her – Yet she remained skeptical. “I _do_ need to be here.”

“Of course, I’m sure you are in the right place,” Monika nodded. “I’ll be seeing you in the wet room.”

* * *

The last it was. Feliciano found himself hobbling to get his clothes back on after the intensity of the supposed _shower_ he had received. Standing in front of strangers as they hosed him down and scrubbed him with a pressure that nearly made him stumble from his feet. It took all it had in him to not shriek the entirety of his suffering so instead, he screamed for half of it until he found he couldn’t continue any longer, clenching his teeth together and enduring the rest of it.

It was a reaction Monika had expected. His physique was weak. Scrawny and not particularly tall, although in the latter’s regard he was not necessarily strikingly below average. He would not do well here she had decided. When they met eyes briefly after the practiced hygiene, she saw the betrayal facing her. It didn’t matter to her – She hadn’t given him any false illusion of care in the first place.

“He’s not bad.” Elizabeta commented just above a whisper. She often displayed a perverse mind, but it was common knowledge she would never betray her husband. Elizabeta was all talk in that department.

“No. He’s worse.” Monika responded, perhaps in a way Elizabeta had expected nothing less from her because she suppressed a giggle.

“You like a little more meat on the bones?” She nudged. “A little more muscle suits your fancy?”

“Whatever suits my fancy is not the business of the woman who facilitates my paycheck,” Monika asserted. “Besides, he’s depraved.” She made sure to avert her eyes from him when she nearly saw a flash of his lower regions before deciding it was safe enough to observe him again.

“A woman doesn’t mind a little depravity sometimes. There’s a phenomenon surrounding _bored_ women. They seek the exact opposite but tend to keep that secret much better than a man ever could. We _have_ to,” Elizabeta’s playful tone and smirk was reason for Monika to shake her head. Her jokes and comments could sometimes become too unprofessional for Monika – Elizabeta functioned much more differently in that regard. “Oh what? You don’t seek a little fun sometimes? You’re young and unmarried.”

She didn’t reply. Monika didn’t want to. She had little respect for that sentiment _and_ had a set of _strong_ unmoving morals that wouldn’t allow her to give herself up like that just for the entertainment, maybe if she were pushed then sexuality could be used to her advantage but even so, she thought it best to employ other methods to get what she wanted. Sexuality was too _easy_ in more ways than one.

Monika approached Feliciano – Only just finishing dressing himself. Even so, she could she just how red he had become, and she had seen just how bad his back had gotten from the abrasiveness of the water pressure and bristles.

“ _Ve_ ,” He sighed. “That was some shower.” She could hear some of the bitterness in his voice but only marginally. Feliciano didn’t seem the type to hold onto bitterness for long. However, that thought reminded her of somebody _very_ similar in appearance who _did_ hold onto bitterness very easily. It piqued her curiosity.

“What matters is you’re clean and clear to go back to your bed. We will inform you of your appointment with Dr.Abelsson when he’s available. That could be at _any_ hour so get some rest and be prepared to be stirred…” He nodded. “I do have one question.”

Feliciano gave a soft smile, “What is it?” He asked politely.

“Do you have a relative at this facility? You look awfully familiar.” He froze, the smile dropping quickly. He seemed to have trouble hiding his emotions effectively.

“ _No_. Not really.” She raised an eyebrow at this lie.

“Not really?” She frowned. “If I’m correct, rumor tells me that he has a sexual deviancy too.”

This seemed to strike a nerve, but Feliciano didn’t act on it. Instead, Monika was impressed by how little this seemed to actually affect him. But it served its purpose to make her suspicions concrete. “I’m tired.” He told her.

“I’ll have Elizabeta escort you. I have other matters to attend to. Excuse me.” She gave Elizabeta a nod before walking past the guards. She made sure to stop before leaving the wet room, “Make sure you keep an eye on him. He’s scheming behind that innocent face.” They seemed to be flippant about the suggestion, but she knew there wasn’t much she could do about that in her position. It was one thing she _did_ want from Elizabeta. Her job. Her status. The basic _respect_. Nobody showed that to a common nurse. Elizabeta held too loose a leash for Monika’s liking.


	2. Mr.Vargas

_"To go into acting is like asking for admission to an insane asylum. Anyone may apply, but only the certifiably insane are admitted."_

Michael Shurtleff

* * *

“Ah, it’s the rotten bitch again,” Lovino groaned. “What will it be this time?” He didn’t bother to show much care for her presence. Continuing to listen to the radio. It was the only thing he ever did and was not common practice. But somehow, he had managed to cough up that freedom from Elizabeta, another show of her weakness to a wink and a smile.

“For someone who holds their womanizing to a high standard you sure do love to contradict yourself.” He sneered at her.

“You know, for someone with such a _vast_ bosom, you’re not a woman, you’re a dog. No, _worse_. You’re a vile creature. Just because that doesn’t stir anything doesn’t mean I’m a nutcase.”

“That wasn’t what I was insinuating,” She frowned. “Your lack of self-control around the common sex is not the problem here. It seems like your patient file has omitted some information.” He sat up.

“What is it?” He furrowed his brows. She showed him the file in her hands, _his_ file. When she opened it, he watched on.

“It seems like you managed to let it slip that there was no next of kin, no family at all. Yet we’ve come across a Feliciano Vargas at the facility. Or, well, he seems to of come across us. Amazing how strikingly similar you two look.” That set him off, throwing himself out of bed and approaching her before he held out a hand to stop him. He had enough control to stop – Probably knowing the consequences would be much worse for him than they would be for her.

“What the hell have you done with him?” She closed the file.

“He admitted himself. I’d like to know _why_.” He shook his head.

“I don’t know anything about it,” He said earnestly, crossing his arms. Even if he tried to hide it, she could see the worry on his face clear as day. “Why did he say he was here?”

“Satyriasis. The closest you can get to nymphomania in a man – Still just as perverse,” Lovino seemed stunned before for he broke into a laugh. “What is it?” She asked, unamused.

“Nymphomania and _Feliciano_ , if you knew him, it would be ridiculous to you too,” He shook his head. “No, he comes from a long line of perverts but there’s no chance in flaming hell that he’s got such a condition.”

“He made a sexually charged attack on me in the foyer. As far as I’m concerned, I’m not laughing at such a statement.” But that didn’t mean she didn’t believe Lovino – He was right. Feliciano didn’t have such a condition. She knew that well enough.

“ _Jesus Christ_ , his standards have dropped beyond sexual perversion if he found _you_ appealing. I didn’t expect him to fall to bestiality,” He scoffed with a vindictive smile. “Now _that_ is what I call brain damage.” Ignoring the dig at her, she moved away from the door, walking towards the radio. It was an expense on the facility – One they couldn’t afford. Elizabeta had stretched the budget for it and she couldn’t find any logical reason as to _why._ Pure emotion. It was what some people were fuelled by, to her, they had all lost any sense of their minds. The human condition, she theorized, was a naturally weak and malleable thing that with pressure however extreme it could be, can be changed.

“I don’t find his acting believable in the slightest. I don’t care for _attraction_ from his likes anyway…” She places a finger on top of the radio, feeling the dust that had accumulated. “But he will not be leaving here soon.”

“And why the fuck would you do that? This is nothing short of imprisonment – _No_ , it’s worse than that. It’s torture.” She shook her head.

“It’s _treatment._ You haven’t given in to your urges as long as you’ve been here. We’ve become confident with your presence around Antonio during sessions. I’m sure you would regret making a mistake that could cost you that as well,” Lovino’s lips drew taut, the frustration mounting on his face. “Besides, Feliciano is a security threat until I know his reasoning. No sane man would continue to stay here even with the threat of castration so perhaps his stay here is fitting.”

“No, he’s not insane - Just stupid. Always has been,” Lovino sighed. “What do you want?”

“I want you to avoid him. I want you to do little to acknowledge his existence when you see him, which you _will_. He’ll receive whatever punishment fit for disrupting _your_ treatment.” She watched as he uncrossed his arms, defeat in his body language.

“And what will his be?”

“That’s for Dr.Abelsson and the head nurse to decide. Although, I would stress whatever means necessary to ease his wandering thoughts.” Lovino knew what that meant. He’d know exactly what _any means necessary_ meant.

“Fine. It’d be no difference to me, anyway, not like I’m encouraged to interact with _anyone_.” Monika shook her head.

“You’re encouraged to interact with women in a healthy manner.” She pointed out.

“Yes, because that’s so easy to do with a straight face,” He smirked. “Women like me. I just don’t like them. I don’t treat them badly – Especially since you’re not a woman yourself, whatever I do to you doesn’t count in my record.”

“You can mock me, but I know you’re scared of what _could_ happen to Feliciano. I think you aren’t telling me the full story here,” She looked out the window for a moment. “Not that it matters, you have no control here anyway.”

“Neither do you. You’re not head nurse.” This caused her to feel a distinct annoyance with him. Wanting to leave, she turned back around and went to take her leave.

“No, but I think you’d understand titles are symbolic.” She said tersely.

“ _Oh_ , I see. So, if the head nurse were to suddenly fall ill in some way, I would know it was _just_ symbolic to you if, let’s say, _you_ were given her title,” He snickered. “You give more of shit about that title than Elizabeta ever would. It still wouldn’t make the difference – You’re still a small woman and I’ll still die on my hill. Now piss off.” He sat down in his stubborn thoughts.

She’d heard well advice that to give the last word was nothing short of pettiness, and pettiness she understood wasn’t _true_ victory. So, she followed it and left the room promptly but not without a twitch of her lips into aggravation. She’d pick her battles and pick them well but that didn’t mean that the small ones didn’t hit her sense of control any less. In one way or another, Lovino would have to answer for his poor behavior – His chaotic conduct that had made her job so difficult to maintain with elegance.

* * *

Elizabeta guided Feliciano into the head office, the poor thing seemed nervous to enter and he had only had three hours sleep before what little time Dr.Abelsson had was freed up. But it had to be done and the best she could do was be kind. She was just glad it wasn’t Monika in her position because while she was good at what she did, she could be a hard woman. Her face was etched harshly with a constant displeased expression and she did little to accommodate anything into her rigid schedules and rules. It made her wonder why she chose such a profession if her bedside manner was so bad but she knew that it was necessary for smooth running – Elizabeta often found herself impressed by how well she could keep control over uncontrollable situations.

This Feliciano was perhaps the only one who had made her break protocol – Taking him to his room without evaluation, she had even been frazzled by him for a brief time. The surprise on her face was something she had never seen before. Monika didn’t get surprised, she had a plan for everything, she _knew_ when something was going to happen. But this cowardly man had managed to do that to her.

“I don’t like doctors,” He told her. “I haven’t gone to one in years.” She found such a thing irresponsible; it made her wonder if this was why his condition seemed to be so terrible.

“Dr.Abelsson may seem harsh but that’s just how he is. I’m sure your visits with him will be simple. Just tell him what you feel.” Feliciano swallowed.

“Okay – _Grazie_ , _bella_.” She opened the door and with a smile announced their presence to the doctor who had a cigarette hanging out his mouth.

“Dr.Abelsson, you have a patient, Mr.Vargas.” He turned his attention towards the two – His face inexpressive. She put a hand on Feliciano’s back, perhaps as some kind of emotional support. It was hard not to find him utterly adorable despite his condition – It brought something out in her that she didn’t often get to express.

“Sit.” He extended an arm towards a set of chairs before standing. Feliciano looked to Elizabeta before he walked away from her. She knew he’d be just fine but there was still a part of her that found him a peculiar patient. Good willed, seemingly sane, polite for the most part.

Familiar face too – There were whispers going around in the staffroom that he might have a relative already in the facility. Lovino Vargas, Feliciano Vargas, it only made sense. However, the relation was unclear as neither seemed to be telling anybody just how they were related. Elizabeta had been prompted by Monika to look into birth certificates to find out their parentage which was something she may just have to do.

“You know what to do, doctor. Please call security to escort Mr.Vargas after your session.” She smiled. He nodded before she turned on her heels, leaving the room. It was late – Or _early_ depending on how one looked at it. She’d worked a long day, they always did with their humbly employed facility, a nicer way to say understaffed.

As she walked down the hall, she saw a particularly tall woman that could not be mistaken for another, “Ah, Monika, going home?” It was a silly question on the surface; the exit was the other direction. However, she just wanted to know what she was still doing here.

She smiled, “No, I still have some duties to fulfill.”

It took a couple of awkward beats before Elizabeta straightened up. Monika’s intimidating ocean eyes staring right through her, “Well,” She started breathlessly, “Don’t strain yourself working so hard. There are no prizes to be won.” The tense air didn’t leave when she chuckled lightly, the corners of Monika’s lips upturned.

“Of course, you can think that.” There was something unsettling about how she said it with that kind face. As kind as Monika _could_ be. Even when she walked right past her, she had to take a second to look behind her back just to make sure she had really left after saying that. Perhaps she had looked too far into it, but it had stunned her.

Elizabeta held her head high, ready to return home with a little more foresight in mind to continue watching her back.

* * *

“What little is written on your file tells me you displayed signs of a sexual disorder.” Feliciano nodded.

“ _Si_ , I believe I’ve had it for a long time,” He smiled, he couldn’t help it. It was nice to smile. “I was in Abyssinia and had these _flashes_.”

“Abyssinia?” Feliciano nodded.

“During the war. I try not to talk about that much though – I wasn’t a good soldier.”

“How so?” He rubbed his neck.

“I was discharged – desertion.” He didn’t elaborate. He didn’t want to of course. It was probably the _only_ thing he didn’t like to overtly explain.

“Did any of these flashes align with your time spent in the war?” He thought for a moment. It was hard to keep up with the lies, so he tried to keep it simple.

“ _Si_ , yes, I believe they did.”

“And what are these flashes like?”

“Oh, just…” He had to think real hard, taking the nurse’s advice to try and keep the acting to a low. Perhaps he was a tad dramatic back there, but he couldn’t help it! He’d never pretended to be someone like this before. “It’s uncontrollable. An uncontrollable urge for human touch and bodily reactions! Those are the worst of it – Sometimes I have to stay indoors just to get rid of them.”

“Right, and how often does this happen?”

“Often enough to affect everything else in my life. It was worse when I was in Africa – I was completely on my own, so it was just terrible! Here, I think it’ll be easier for me.” The doctor sighed.

“Have you acted on these impulses in destructive ways?” He nodded.

“Nothing terrible _yet_ but that is the problem I have… I fear that I will do more than _private_ solutions. I have the most terrible impulses – I worry I’ll hurt someone.” He struggled to maintain a straight face. This felt so difficult to lie about such a thing. He didn’t _need_ to masturbate often at all, he didn’t have sex, he rarely even thought of it. Emotional connections were better than all of that, he believed, whatever came after was just additional pleasure.

“This is a classic case of compulsion.” Feliciano gulped.

“I’ve heard of a treatment. _Castration_ – I’d like to make sure that won’t be happening.” He laughed nervously. Dr.Abelsson didn’t laugh at all, he didn’t even crack a smile. It just made Feliciano stop, waiting in the silence that just progressively got worse. He hated silence.

“I believe you’re talking about a misconception of the surgical form. That would be barbaric for your case, pure foolishness,” He wrote something down. “A reversible form of castration through agonists will determine whether this is a physiological condition or an abnormality in the mind. It _should_ regulate any hormonal imbalances. But even so, tell me how the treatment is affecting you and I’ll decide the next course of action.” A grin came across Feliciano’s face.

“Thank you,” He then let out an exasperated. “ _Grazie a Dio_.” As the nurse from before had thoroughly terrified him. There was nothing worse to do to a man than to imply the removal of such an important extension. “Can I go to my room now? It’s late.” Dr.Abelsson nodded.

“Yes, but one more thing. Since you admitted yourself, you can leave at any time with no protest. So far you have displayed a sound mind even if you’ve expressed concerns, you can decide if you wish to continue treatment.”

“Right, right. I hope this works so I don’t have to leave disappointed.” He smiled despite the distinct _lack_ of a smile from the doctor. They both happened to stand at the same time – Feliciano awkwardly trying to redeem the situation by nodding, unsure if the doctor had even seen the action. He walked towards the door before it had opened, Nurse Beilschmidt revealing herself.

“ _Oh_ , Monika, I wasn’t expecting you to still be here.” _Monika_ , that was a nice name for such a mean face, Feliciano thought.

“Ah, I was unaware you had a patient. I’m sorry.” She apologized.

“It’s fine, he was just taking his leave.” She frowned.

“You know we can’t have patients just walking around unaccounted for,” Feliciano was put in an odd position – Somewhere between free will and no freedom. He could leave at any point but while he was here, he was essentially a prisoner. His self-control _would_ be tested just not in the way the doctor thought. “You know what happened last time cannot happen again.” Dr.Abelsson sighed.

“I _would_ have called security before you interrupted. What is it you wanted?” He asked, straightforward and lacking much tact in his tone.

“There appears to be a problem with the pharmacy. A few _missing_ substances,” She shook her head. “Just procedure that I tell you, I’m sure they’ll turn up soon, but I do worry about their especially addictive qualities. There may be a problem if my pessimism is correct.” Feliciano looked between the two. It was hard for him to read the room – But there was a growing discomfort with being inside it right now.

Dr.Abelsson grunted, “I see. I’ll look into it. Take this patient back to his room.” He extinguished his cigarette in the ashtray beside him. Nurse Beilschimidt beckoned for him to follow her, holding the door open waiting for him.

“Thank you, doctor!” Feliciano called just before he left. The doctor said nothing in return, but neither did the bus driver but that didn’t make him any less grateful. It seemed like an instant shift when the door closed. Nurse Beilschmidt walking at a brisk pace but starting conversation.

“You seem in high spirits.” She commented.

“Yes, I believe I am,” He beamed. “I get to keep my privates attached to me.” She shook her head.

“Is that the only thing you care about?” She sighed. “Don’t answer that, I think I know the answer.”

“No, actually. I have a whole lot more to care about,” He frowned tersely. “I was actually wondering if there’s a patient by the name of-“

“Lovino Vargas. Yes, there is.” He paused, his step faltering slightly before he got back into the rhythm of walking again.

“Ah, yes! I was wondering _why_ he’s here?” She turned slightly before looking back forward again.

“Aren’t you a relative? Shouldn’t you know?” He smiled sourly.

“I _should_ but I don’t,” She shook her head. It was only now he realized her words. “And-And I’m not a relative either! Not a close one anyway.” It was a poor attempt at a lie, but he hoped it worked.

“While I do not have the paperwork to confirm that claim, you must take me as a fool to think you aren’t closely related to Lovino Vargas. Besides, he didn’t deny that you _aren’t_ close, he seemed to of shown more care than he ever has for your safety. Is that common amongst distant relatives?” He shrugged at the question, ignoring any rhetorical nature to it.

“Maybe, but that doesn’t answer my question. Why is he here?”

“Well then you will have to find out some other way, I cannot disclose patient information myself. Even _why_ they’re here. Protocol to avoid judgment from other patients.”

“But we’re all in here all the same, why would anybody judge someone’s condition like that?” He asked. Surprisingly, Nurse Beilschmidt chuckled.

“You’re naïve – We’re judgemental creatures by nature. Patients who believe they are better than the others often judge their conditions for being slightly closer to an unstable mind despite their own instabilities. Besides, you have no condition in the first place.” He bit his lip, frustrated. _Procedures, protocols, order_ – He didn’t do well with those kinds of restraints.

“Lovino isn’t crazy.” He stated with confidence.

“No, _crazy_ isn’t a word we use here.” She corrected.

He let out an exasperated sigh, “He’s not _insane_ – He shouldn’t be here.”

“That statement is only half correct. I can assure you he is not insane, but he does require our services. He has a compulsive disorder,” She seemed irritated in her tone. “If you want to know then you can infer that kind of information in the group sessions – Most are very open about their conditions and you won’t make any progress unless you acknowledge it to a group.”

“What am I supposed to acknowledge, I thought I didn’t have anything?”

“ _I_ know you don’t, but the facility doesn’t. As far as I’m concerned, you do suffer from an uncontrolled sexual compulsion so I will treat you as such.” Worry began to bubble in his mind.

“Dr.Abelsson seemed to prescribe me medication that’ll make some changes…”

“You won’t be needing _any_ sex drive here – The side effects will be marginal.”

“Okay, I’ll trust you then,” He smiled. “You know it’s true though?”

“What’s true?”

“Oh! Of course, you didn’t hear,” He tapped his head as if he were getting the dust off the cogs. “When I was a soldier in Abyssinia – It really does make the body do things to you. There are no pretty girls around at all! The only girls you see are the nurses, but you had to get hurt to go anywhere near them,” He laughed. “So maybe that’s why I thought it would be easy to act like I have satyriasis! But I guess it’s harder than I thought.”

“Right, epididymal hypertension is quite painful I hear.” She grimaced.

“Epididym- What?” Without warning, she stopped – He overtook her by mistake before he swung back around.

“Blue balls,” She stated briefly, holding her hand out towards the door. He looked at her, dumbfounded. “This is your room, Mr.Vargas. Get some rest for today’s session,” She looked down at her watch. “You have six hours.” He couldn’t help but whine.

“Six hours? That’s not nearly enough sleep.” All he received in return was a deep frown.

“I do just fine on four now get to bed,” He hesitantly went inside the room but not before another morsel of advice. “I suggest you wake up half an hour beforehand to get ready. It’s good form, the nurses appreciate an early bird patient they don’t have to babysit through the morning.”

Feliciano was far from an early bird. In fact, he was a rather _late_ bird. But if this was Nurse Beilschimidt’s version of helping him then he would listen reluctantly.

“I’ll try my best, Monika. Goodnight!” He was eager to get to sleep but he didn’t hear a single footstep or even an utterance of a sound. When he turned around, he saw she was still there, he looked behind him trying to figure out what exactly had caused her to stay.

“Goodnight, Mr.Vargas.” She said, breaking out of whatever trance she seemed to of been in just moments before. The door closed with a noticeable lock behind the nurse’s exit. He turned on the light beside the bed, pausing his gaze at the door, wondering what he had done to cause such an odd reaction from her. 


	3. Adversaries

_“Jail was preferable. There they only limited you physically. In a mental ward they tampered with your soul and worldview and mind.”_   
John Kennedy Toole

* * *

The next day came right on time as they got to their weekly group sessions. There was one for each wing, so the patients had similar backgrounds – Monika insisted she be present for the sexual abnormalities even if they were the worst of the lot. She found them to be the worst of the lot because they represented everything she hated.

From behind the nurse’s station, she could already see Feliciano’s attempts to make contact with Lovino failing. Every tap on the shoulder going ignored, his lips moving but Lovino’s remaining shut as he sat waiting for the meeting to start. Dejected, Feliciano sat down but only after several other patients moved to their seats in anticipation.

“Nurse Beilschmidt?” Erika asked politely for her attention with her hands clasped in front of her. “Can I sit in on your session?”

“Of course,” Monika smiled, genuinely. “Although, I must warn you that these are the sexual deviants.”

“Oh… Nothing I haven’t heard from patients before,” She dismissed. “I should try to learn about everything, even the uncomfortable subjects.” Monika set her paperwork aside, looking out onto the floor to see everyone seated.

“Of course, come with me then.” Picking up her clipboard and pen, she led the junior nurse to the floor where it appeared every patient other than Lovino was staring nervously. Well, Feliciano seemed to almost be excited when he caught a glance of her. An odd man but he hadn’t seen her lay down the law yet so his distinct lack of nervousness was not unreasonable.

“We have a new patient present,” She told them as she sat down, Erika taking a seat herself beside Monika. “As you can see, he may look like a familiar face, but he is not. He is just a relative of Lovino here,” Her eyes crossed past Feliciano to Lovino who was noticeably facing the opposite direction to him, legs tilted to the right of him and Feliciano sat just two seats away to the left. He was leaning on his hand with his elbow perched upon the back of the chair. Just how he was told to react. Feliciano’s face displayed confusion – As expected, she had assumed that he had a keen interest in catching his brother sometimes, but she would do her merry best to avoid that eventuality for as long as possible. “However related they may be by blood does not matter in relation to their conditions. How about we start with you?”

Her piercing blue eyes pointed directly to Feliciano. He looked around with a smile. “Well, I suppose I’m like the rest of them.”

“How? Are you a rapist? A pedophile?” His eyes went wide.

“N-No, I guess I’m not…” His eyes shifted amongst the group. Lovino sighed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to assume that-“

“Nobody here is either of those things as far as I know.” Lovino spoke up, easing the tension that was so obvious on Feliciano’s face, his hands on his knees awkwardly trying to avoid eye-contact with the rest of the group. After that reassurance, Feliciano seemed to be less clammy – Comfortable. It was a great disruption from Monika’s methodology.

“A homosexual?” Monika prompted Feliciano, her eyes darting to Lovino as a warning. He glared back before going back to staring off into the rest of the room, anywhere but left of himself. Once again Feliciano gave a negative response.

“I don’t believe so.” He seemed perplexed by the insinuation. But that wasn’t what she was watching out for – She could see that it affected Lovino by the look on his face. _If looks could kill_.

“ _Hm_ , I do recall you saying something that might be construed as such an abnormality.” He shrugged.

“It was just an exaggeration. Dr.Abelsson says I just have a problem with self-control and my sex drive.” He turned as Lovino snickered – Unable to control his little fit of laughter. It felt like a schoolyard now the way he was mocking his brother’s words. Nobody else was laughing though, instead, they watched him laugh at his private joke. Monika waited for him to explain himself with a prolonged silent gaze, when Lovino caught sight of her staring he shook his head with a bitter smile.

“This is such _bullshit_ -“

“Lovino Vargas if you cannot be here in a respectful manner you will be punished.”

“He’s a liar – He hasn’t even _seen_ what’s down there,” Lovino gestured with an open hand to the loins of Monika. It went unappreciated as she stood up. “ _Oh_ , you didn’t like that? Nobody wants to see yours?” Lovino pouted, mocking her before laughing again.

“Your lack of self-control will be written down as a distinct lack of any progress – Explain to me the progress you _have_ made, and I might consider a lesser punishment.” She remained standing, scrutinizing him with a close eye. Lovino looked around briefly.

“Well, I’ve been throwing up _especially_ well this past week looking at whatever cock you’ve decided to show me, but I have a sneaking suspicion it’s whatever is in that IV causing that. And I’ve been sleeping beside that lesbian,” He gestured to Emma, “Just about the only thing I like about her is her eyes and personality. No, not a single stir in the trousers.”

“This sounds the same as last week, what’s changed?” He shrugged.

“I guess one thing that’s changed is that I’ve been getting real riled up after aversion therapy, you keep giving me new material to think about. This round was especially _inspirational_.” He stared back at her before turning away with a chuckle. This was all a joke to him – He didn’t _care_ about improvement.

“If that’s the case we’re going to have you on a different treatment plan. We can’t have this behavior encouraged,” She frowned, sitting back down and ignoring him for the meantime while she focused her attention on Antonio instead, he was sitting rather uncomfortably as he had just watched what happened. He always seemed uncomfortable by Lovino’s outbursts during sessions. “What about you?”

“Me?” Antonio pointed to himself, Monika nodded. “I’m… Better than last time.” She looked over towards Lovino who had reserved himself to putting his knuckles to his lips. It was easy to see that he was just trying to block out everybody else – But none more so than Antonio.

“How so?” Antonio shifted.

“I don’t think so much about it. Just go about my day.” He was less of a problem compared to Lovino – He _listened_. But even still, she could tell that he wasn’t being completely truthful, she could tell by the way he looked at Lovino for comfort that he wasn’t cured at all.

“What _do_ you think about when you have those instincts?”

“I-“ He frowned. “I don’t know.”

“I think you do know. Until you’re prepared to acknowledge your faults you won’t improve.”

“He’s not crazy – He’s not some kind of _danger_ -“ Lovino cut in before Monika promptly shut him up with a glare. “Fine, don’t give me that face.”

“Emma, how have your sessions with Lovino been progressing?”

“Not… Not good, I’m afraid,” She said, ashamed, “I have been trying – Believe me.”

“Believe you? Why should I do that? I’ve seen nothing that tells me you _have_ been trying.”

“I- He- It’s-“ She stuttered.

“Is _he_ making it difficult for you to progress with your treatment?” She nodded. “And what should I do about that for you?”

“I don’t…” She struggled to finish the sentence.

“You don’t?”

“I don’t know what options there are- I don’t want anything bad to happen… I-I don’t know what you want.”

“Oh, come on, leave the girl alone you rotten bitch.” Lovino butted in before Monika could even respond.

“That is your final warning gone, I expected better from you today, but I guess I think too highly of you,” She stood up and made eye contact with the security nearby. “Make sure to escort Lovino and Feliciano Vargas to their rooms.”

“What- Did I do something wrong, Monika?” Feliciano asked.

“No, but he did. He has to learn that his actions affect everyone else too,” She shook her head and sighed. “And it’s Nurse Beilschmidt, not _Monika_. That is how you will address the nurses here; we are not your friends.”

“You touch a fuckin’ hair on his head and I’ll knock your teeth in!” Lovino warned, the security guard rushing over to restrain him. “Feliciano – Get the fuck out of here-“

“ _You_ do not talk to him,” Monika raised her voice only slightly but wished to be more demanding. She was losing control of the meeting, but she had managed to get both of the problems away relatively safely. Feliciano was much more accommodating to the change, walking quietly while watching over his brother with a worried gaze. She sighed into the back of her hand, pushing her frayed hair back to a neat position. “This session is adjourned because of the circumstances – We will meet again next week and those who didn’t speak today will have their chance.”

She saw Francis smiling, whispering to Antonio who seemed to struggle to smile himself. Instead, Antonio seemed to absentmindedly watch as Lovino was taken away in a tight hold.

“Antonio,” Monika called, he darted his attention towards her. Green eyes filled with worry. “You’ve been doing well,” He seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. “But Francis, do try to refrain from making unnecessary comments. This isn’t a classroom.” Francis smirked.

“I was just telling him about my progress.”

“Or lack thereof,” Monika frowned. “Next week, you won’t be let off so easily.” He noticeably slumped in his chair. Every week he seemed to fail at maintaining his high sex-drive – He had _real_ satyriasis if it could be called that. Although he had never resorted to dramatics as Feliciano did, he seemed to find it easy to find a willing participant. The last nurse in her position had been fired for her relationship with the patient, Monika couldn’t imagine laying with someone so… _Francis_. He didn’t struggle to make the girls swoon as well as some of the men, but he had a problem that Monika wasn’t going to give up on fixing for good.

“Can I stay in my room tonight, Nurse Beilschmidt?” Emma asked. She _always_ asked that. It was clear that staying in Lovino’s bed made her uncomfortable.

“No,” She watched Emma’s face sink into disappointment. “But I’m sure we could make arrangements more suitable for you. Mr.Vargas appears to be lacking,” She looked around at the group. There was no way in hell that _Francis_ would be an acceptable candidate, so she glossed right over him and over to Antonio. “Antonio, would you mind company?” He looked to Emma who seemed to be just as nervous as he was, their faces displaying their mutual bewilderment. He looked back to her as she raised an eyebrow in anticipation for an affirmative answer.

“No, I wouldn’t mind.”

Monika smiled at Emma, “Antonio has so kindly offered to help you just as you will help him.” They stared at each other – Antonio breaking into a closed smile while Emma nodded.

“Thank you.” She said, however soft it was, it was enough.

“Now your recreation time will end the same time as scheduled, continue on with your day,” Monika announced, noticeably frustrated by the situation. “I’m sorry, Erika. This was not the plan.” She apologized to Erika, heartfelt.

“It’s fine, I guess it can’t always go to plan, can it? There’s always next time.” She said optimistically.

“Right, I just wish you didn’t need to see that. It doesn’t set a good example,” A disappointed sight came from her lips. “But we must handle the fallout, Lovino Vargas requires attention. Please find the head nurse and call her to his room – I’ll be there.”

* * *

Lovino was fuming from the meeting – His face conveying every ounce of hatred directed squarely at the staff. The junior nurse, head nurse, and Monika all attempting to calm him down, some more than others. Monika was thoroughly disappointed that Lovino didn’t seem to learn anything, but she was even more disappointed that none of the other staff members, particularly Elizabeta, seemed to want to do anything about it. Poor Erika seemed to be flustered by the idea of wrangling him back to a state of calm.

“Mr.Vargas, you simply _must_ calm down.” Elizabeta held out a hand to place on his shoulder but instead, he swatted it away.

“You’re going to ruin him!” He shouted without an ounce of hesitancy. “ _Goddamn_ you – You’re useless, you’re all useless!”

“Mr.Vargas,” Monika started. “We have no choice but to treat this state of mania with therapy.”

“Oh _really_? It can’t be any worse than the shit you’ve been putting me through for - How many months?”

“Your memory fails you as well?” Lovino groaned.

“You really are the worst of them if I could watch you breathe your last breath I would do it with a smile!” The thinly veiled threat didn’t go over well. It never did. Such behavior was reason for immediate punishment.

“Wrap him up – Some cold water will fix this, Erika, get the gurney,” Elizabeta ordered. “I’m terribly sorry.” She said to Lovino, but it was quite obvious that he wasn’t going to accept apologies anytime soon.

* * *

Feliciano jumped at the sound of the door opening. The security wasn’t kind to him in the slightest – He could still feel the tight grip that they had on him as he was led back to his room. Nurse Beilschmidt stood in the doorway.

“Oh, hello. How are you?” He asked.

“You know, Lovino is an incredible sight compared to you.” She said, ignoring Feliciano. He frowned.

“What?” She shrugged.

“He’s uncouth, rude, fiery… You’re just…” Feliciano laughed, realizing what she was saying.

“Oh, don’t worry, we know,” He’d heard it all plenty of times. Everybody had to say it when they met both of them. His smile died down when he thought of him. “How is he? He wasn’t doing so good when I saw him.” The worry 

“Fine, he calmed down. A cold bath did the trick,” She shook her head. “But now you need to have yours. For treatment, of course. It really calms the nerves.”

* * *

“Psychoses is usually why patients are admitted here and require such treatment. The personality seems to of rotted away until there is only a shell of a human, something that couldn’t even begin to understand how impaired they really are,” He heard a squeak from the knob as she turned it. It was still fine, just a regular bath, “Psychoneuroses would be what someone like you would have if you _did_ have a mental disorder, someone who was still _themselves_ , who just needs help. However,” Feliciano felt the temperature rising. “Neither is necessary to be understood here. It’s unfortunate Lovino couldn’t be more considerate of you.” He furrowed his brows, confused. Then what was the point of explaining all that to him if it didn’t matter anyway? Now he’d just remember something unimportant and he couldn’t quite understand what Lovino had to do with this bath. The bath that had begun to become uncomfortable.

Feliciano hissed, “It’s too hot,” He complained. A tarp covered the bath, buckled down at the sides. Monika checked her watch. A hand instinctively reached up to touch the top of the tarp, _trapped_ and nowhere to go he felt the temperature rising, “ _It’s hot_!” It was instinctive to thrash, the water just splashing to hit the tarp.

“Two minutes. Lovino got five minutes and five degrees higher.” _Five_ , Feliciano couldn’t imagine such a thing.

“Y-You-“ He clenched his jaw, it felt like he couldn’t even get a sentence out it burned so much. “You don’t need to do t-this _ss_.” He let out a deep breath, trying not to focus so much on the pain, closing his eyes tightly shut. No wonder she had distracted him - This was something nobody would ever agree to out of free will and now that he thought of it, he’d been duped into a false sense of security by a busty nurse with a relatively approachable attitude. As soon as felt the water it was cold before it slowly heated up. For a second, it even felt nice, a smarter man might've compared the bathwater to someone like Nurse Beilschmidt.

It wasn't often he wanted to be a frog, but this would be a rather helpful time to be one so he didn't notice the pain so much - Maybe a frog also wouldn't notice the betrayal.

His eyes darted to Monika as soon as he opened them again. She seemed unbothered, “It is completely necessary. Everything you or Lovino do affects each other. He needs to understand that just as much as you do. I take preventative measures – That is a rare sight around here, most of the action comes too late.”

The temperature seemed to stagnate which was only marginally easier than the feeling of being shocked into the heat. It felt like he was being boiled alive but at least he knew what to expect now.

“I didn’t do anything to you.” He attempted to appeal to some semblance of humanity. Instead, Monika just checked her watch again.

“You’re right. But Lovino did.” He shook his head vigorously.

“No, whatever he did during the session was unintentional!” She frowned.

“ _Everything_ he does is intentional. He knows exactly what he’s doing.” When she went to check her watch again, he felt the steam irritating him even more than he cared for. That still didn’t take his attention away from her.

“You’re not a monster- You can’t be half as bad as-“ He hissed as his hand touched the tarp again. “I need to get out of here, _please_.” Tears pricked his eyes as Monika looked down at her watch before looking at Feliciano. Conflicted, she reached over to unbuckle the tarp, throwing it over halfway as Feliciano climbed out the second there was enough space for his body to escape. Some of the water spilled onto the floor just as Feliciano had, feeling the tenderness of his skin as it touched the cold floor. His hands were pink, his arms, his legs, his torso, anything below the neck felt painful to the touch. Like a bad sunburn – The only bad sunburns he ever got were in Africa and even those weren’t half as bad as this.

“One minute and you would’ve been finished, Mr.Vargas,” She said in a disappointed voice. “Lovino did the full five minutes without too much protest.”

“I’m sorry – I _couldn’t_.” He groaned but didn’t want to move. He heard her tut.

“And you were a soldier?” She asked with the surprise in her voice making him stare intently at the grout. It was a humiliating position to be in, so he tried to push himself off the floor, each move hurt but he wasn’t going to just lay there. He wanted to rest – He wanted to sit in the cold shower to relieve himself of the burning sensation.

“Yes.” He finally answered.

“What changed?” He refused to answer, shaking his head. “No?”

Standing on his sore feet he turned and said, “All due respect, Monika. I’m not feeling too good.”

“Interesting,” She remarked. “Well, I suppose they let anyone into the Italian military.” Handing his clothes to him – She turned and waited for him to dress.

It took too long to get dressed and he was still terribly wet which only served to make every bit of fabric cling to him. It was uncomfortable – It even hurt in some places. But he couldn’t help but look to Monika. Her back was to him, but she was waiting patiently, “You aren’t a monster; I only believe in a handful of those,” He had decided. “And-And you let me out! That was pretty… Nice.” He noticed the lack of response from her. It was like he was talking to a wall.

“You know, that’s what Lovino did too,” Feliciano said sadly, buttoning up his shirt. “He always used to have something to say to me. I don’t know if what I did was wrong or not. He didn’t tell me anything. I think he hates me, but I can’t really tell anymore. Do you have a brother? How would you feel if your brother didn’t talk to you-“

“My God, do you never cease to shut up?” Monika interrupted; her voice raised causing Feliciano some surprise. “Are you done?”

“I- Sure.” He fumbled. When she turned around again, he held out his arms. “Good as new!” She grimaced. Dropping his arms to his sides, he found it easier to stop thinking about the searing pain that occasionally shot up his body.

“Slippers, on,” She ordered. He couldn’t help but chuckle. “What is it?” Her voice was unimpressed by this perceived disobedience. Even if he had followed her order, it was still funny to him how strict she could be with her tone.

“You’re stiff. That’s all.” She very quickly thwarted this little jovial jab. He truly meant nothing by it but it was obvious she didn’t see it that way the way this seemed to set her off like the flick of a lighter.

“We aren’t friends – We aren’t _allies_. You are my adversary and I fully intend to keep it that way, Mr.Vargas,” She stopped him from walking out the door with a hand on the shoulder. “ _Ah_ , I believe we’re not done here. Your disobedience will not go unchecked.”

“What? But I just-“ She held out an open hand to point towards another bath. An ice bath of sorts - Some of the blocks had melted but it was clear it had been used recently the way water was still surrounding it.

“I urge you to be tardy before I tell Dr.Abelsson of your progressing lack of self-control. It seems now you’ve got a mouth like your _brother_.” Her voice showed her disdain for him. It was a shame - A damn shame that he was on the other end of this woman's strict hold. He saw why he was so against this place but he was too far to turn back now.

“I just made a comment. Monika, you’re don’t need to-“ He tried to appeal to her again, there was some humanity deep down. There had to be if it worked once.

“I am _Nurse Beilschmidt_ , Mr.Vargas!” She shouted. Her face was red with anger – He knew he had crossed a line, but it was a line crossed too late. He struggled to feel any anger for her, but he soon realized exactly why everyone refused to talk down to her. Well, other than Lovino but if he was getting this treatment, just what punishment was given out to him?

“Yes, Nurse Beilschmidt.” He nodded, looking to the baths. A distinct sense of dread filling the atmosphere in the room. Even he knew there was a time and place for obedience, however, he couldn't be trapped. He'd find another way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't boil frogs, either way, lmao it's all a myth anyway.


	4. Something's Got to Give

_“You knew then that this was not any kind of hospital that cured, but a hospital that held, that kept their patients away from the rest of the world, a kind of ark that floated along full of life, but not participating in life... These people no longer made progress.”_   
Anne Spollen, The Shape of Water

* * *

If there was one thing about _Sanctuary_ , it was the loneliness. Nobody seemed to really talk to each other – Some seemed to spend their days just sitting, maybe uttering a few sounds or in complete silence. What little freedom was given to him; Feliciano took. But he didn’t feel any closer to his goals. For one, Lovino refused to speak to him the traditional way and none of the nurses could tell him anything. He hated to admit that so far, Nurse Beilschmidt had been the most help to him as of yet despite her coldness whenever he spoke to her. It was strange how cold someone with her profession had the capacity for, it was something he expected more from a doctor, but he even preferred Dr.Abelsson over her. She was a force to be feared and it was painfully obvious to everybody in the facility. Well, everyone but Lovino.

He had the worrying tendency to abuse her at any chance he got and in return, he got thwarted ten times over by her ability to inflict a world of pain over him. But Feliciano understood his brother more than anyone and he knew it would be impossible for him to just sit there and take whatever was given to him. He always wanted _more_ with higher standards than most were willing to accommodate. It would probably be easier if he were a pushover – More like Feliciano. Unfortunately, that was a trait perceived as weakness, but he didn’t care to be _strong_ he just wanted to survive.

“I see you’ve been improving – Elizabeta tells me that there have been no incidents from you. If my estimates are correct, you could be out in a month’s time or less if you pleased.” Feliciano felt the worry burgeoning. He was no closer than his arrival in accessing Lovino’s tight guarded secrets. It was impossible to help someone who wouldn’t let him help but by God would Feliciano try. If that meant he had to stay in this place, then he was willing to do so. Although, it meant he had to keep lying and Feliciano was a sour liar.

“But I-“ He sighed, reframing his focus only on the doctor. “I’m unwell. I feel unwell, all the time.” It was not entirely false, he'd found himself in bouts of boredom. Maybe even sadness. It wasn't something he found himself entrenched in often, he was always so busy before being trapped in a room all day or surrounded by people who didn't care whether he dropped dead or not, not to mention those with true insanity or depravity he wished he could distance himself from.

Dr.Abelsson didn’t necessarily frown but his lips did twitch ever so slightly into one, “Unwell? I don’t see anything that could be perceived as unhealthy, your actions don’t reflect the same person that you arrived as.” That was true but Feliciano struggled to make it believable that he hadn’t changed at all.

“But shouldn’t I be _thinking_ like a normal man?” Dr.Abelsoon set his pen down.

“Mr.Vargas, you _do_ think like a normal man. Don’t you believe that _every_ man thinks of-of _busts_ and _legs_ or whatever draws their attention? It’s how you react to that; it’s how you pursue that. And right now, you don’t show any threat to anybody let alone a woman’s dignity.” He explained it as if he were juvenile, the patronizing tone of his voice was what deflated Feliciano’s security in his acting. It obviously wasn’t that good. It obviously had failed. But Feliciano was never a danger in such a way – It was impossible to channel.

“But what about… What about my dignity? Surely, it’s not _right_ … Even if they’re just thoughts?” He cringed at his delivery, any closer to insecurity and his voice would’ve cracked with his intonation.

“Mr.Vargas, maybe to a priest this would be wrong but as a doctor, this is truly a case of amoral human nature. Human beings cannot all be angels. Even you.” Feliciano swallowed despite how dry his mouth was. He wasn’t sure why that phrase hurt so much, _even you_. It was defeatist, it was a layer of impossibility that he’d never reach. Although, he wasn’t sure why he’d ever want to be an angel.

“But some _are_ worse than others?” Dr.Abelsson sighed which just caused Feliciano more grief. He didn’t want to believe that one action could define a person, but it was looking as if it were the case – Even if the discussion wasn’t about anything to do with that past.

“I don’t understand why you seem so hesitant to accept you’re healthy in mind and body. That’s a good thing, Mr.Vargas. And frankly, a waste of time for me to try and treat an ailment that currently doesn’t exist. The best I can tell you is to continue your medication as usual – It appears to of helped.” Maybe if he were more headstrong, he’d have half a mind to stand up and lay out everything that could possibly help his cause. To tell him just how terrible things were for him and lie his way through this session.

However, instead, he sat and nodded, “Thank you, doctor. I think I’ll go back now.”

* * *

He had taken to sweeping and mopping the floors quite easily without much instruction – It gave him something to do that didn’t mean he focused so much on himself. He was always busy before with his painting but there wasn’t much room for that here or, well, he had heard that Dr.Abelsson struggled with budgets. Not in the sense he spent too much but that he spent too little to the point of frustration – Maybe then there could be some kind of art therapy. Feliciano wouldn’t mind that right now, it was nothing but a dream but at least he still had those to give him some comfort.

While mopping the floors, Nurse Vogel had walked past him at a brisk pace only to end up on her behind rather quickly. In a panic, Feliciano rushed to her aid hoping this wouldn’t come back to bite him in some way with Nurse Beilschmidt. She seemed awfully attached to the waifish thing.

“Nurse Vogel, are you hurt?” He asked, trying to mask his internal panic for the girl’s sake. She pushed herself to her feet, taking his hand to help her. Patting herself down she shook her head, clearly embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, it was my fault for being so careless,” She looked to her fallen clipboard, Feliciano beating her to it to pick it up. “Oh, thank you, Mr.Vargas.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? That was quite a fall!” She took the dripping clipboard back as he noticed how wet her dress had gotten. “I’m sorry! I’m sure everything will dry – Eventually.”

She smiled, “Don’t worry about it, I’ll find some way to repay your kindness. Most patients are…” Shaking her head she picked herself back up. “They’re not so pleasant to junior nurses.” This stunned Feliciano.

“If anything, that’s reason to be nicer! You’re still learning.” She laughed under her breath.

“I guess so – But in keeping within the subject, I do have urgent business with Mr.Vargas… Uh, the _other_ Mr.Vargas. It’s why I’m in such a hurry. So, I hope it’s not too rude if I-” The recognition showed in Feliciano’s eyes as he instinctively grabbed her by the wrist perhaps a little too roughly.

“Lovino, how is he? None of the other nurses are willing to tell me _anything_ ,” Her eyes were as wide a saucers as she seemed to freeze like a deer in headlights. “Please, do you have any siblings? A brother? A sister? Surely then you’d understand that I just need to know-“ His hand was plucked from her wrist by a looming figure standing over him.

“I suppose there is no reason why a patient admitted for uncontrollable sexual desires should be touching a _young_ and meek woman such as Nurse Vogel in such a harsh manner?” Nurse Beilschmidt’s voice had poison to it – Feliciano just about thought she was going to send him to the chopping block. Those piercing pale eyes were cutting into him like a knife to butter.

“I’m sure he meant nothing by it, Nurse Beilschmidt,” The young nurse came to his aid. “He was inquiring about Mr.Vargas – The other Mr.Vargas that is.”

“Yes, as I am sure the lion means nothing by ripping apart its prey. He has a different nature, but it is awfully kind of you to be so forgiving,” Nurse Beilschmidt wiped her hand on her dress as if he were dirty. “Please attend to Mr.Vargas while I deal with this unexpected problem,” Nurse Vogel nodded giving him a glance before rushing away. “May I ask why her skirt is soaked?” She asked with an eyebrow raised.

Feliciano rubbed his hand sheepishly, “Why the same reason the bottom of your heels are wet right now.” She looked down, lifting her foot as the water rippled ever so slightly.

“You don’t need to outdo the ocean, Mr.Vargas. A little is enough,” She scolded before shaking her head with a sigh that told him she was deeply annoyed by him. “I’ll have your hands if you touch her again.” She warned.

“I… I really didn’t mean anything,” The guilt began to eat him up as he remembered how scared she looked to be grabbed so suddenly, “I’m sorry.” He said honestly. But Nurse Beilschmidt wasn’t looking for apologies.

“Your intentions don’t matter to me; she doesn’t need to be exposed to such discomfort. And _please_ , you’ve been told about your obsession with asking so many damn questions about your unsavory brother,” He nodded disheartened by her words. “I’ll be talking to Dr.Abelsson about your behavior today.” For a second, he felt he should’ve been even more disheartened by that news, but it was a blessing in disguise.

“Oh, thank God.” He sighed with relief. It was not the reaction that she wanted as she continued to stand there, watching him intently. It felt like he was a part of some kind of study – She was observing his every move and was not budging.

“And why do you need to thank God?” She asked, finally.

“Well… Dr.Abelsson has said I’m well, in the mind. This can make sure I stay. Maybe…” He said hesitantly.

“Oh, I see,” She frowned. “Then I might refrain for now.” He scoffed unintentionally before subduing his reaction. It still didn’t mean that he didn’t find this any less ridiculous. Petty even.

“You’re taking this adversary thing a little seriously, I don’t hate you so I don’t see why you should do the same to me.” He took his mop again before she grabbed the tip of it, holding it in place.

“Because then I would have to respect you. You have not _earned_ that right.” He gulped as all confidence left him. He went straight to all the awful treatments he had been forced into. He’d never take a bath again.

“Then has anybody? How do I know it’s possible?” Now it was her turn to scoff, letting go of the mop.

“Oh, Mr.Vargas. I never said it was possible,” Her smile remained on her face as she shook her head as if to pity him. “Good afternoon.” She said before taking her leave. He had been truly shocked into silence at how calloused this woman was. How easy it was for her to cut off any sense of sympathy. But it was just one more thing to add to the list of why he found his life so difficult in such a place. There was no sympathy or even empathy for the ones that had been left behind here.

* * *

“He’s worse than anybody we’ve treated by far,” Monika urged. “He _needs_ stronger treatment, and I don’t think you appreciate that enough as the head nurse. You are in this position for a reason.” Elizabeta could already feel her eye twitch.

“That reason is not to abuse patients – You think I don’t know about his poor brother, what he _didn’t_ do to deserve such strong treatment? That was grounds to have you terminated.” She hissed but the nurse didn’t move a muscle from her position.

“I did what I believed was best for the circumstances. You do understand that Lovino Vargas was much more hysterical _before_ Feliciano’s treatment. He understands the severity of his actions.”

“Right, but now he’s become internally destructive – Depressive even. We can’t have patients swinging by the neck, it’s a bad image for the facility.”

“Then we will treat him for that alongside his current treatment,” She replied coldly. “It’s much better than violence directed at staff, there would only be one victim in a suicide here.”

“One victim? What about two? I know you have no family but surely you must understand Feliciano Vargas would not be pleased to have a dead brother,” Elizabeta was thoroughly frustrated but getting back on track with her point. “We’d _all_ lose our jobs when this place is shut down for having such bad press. We’d be done. But maybe that’s a good thing for you, maybe you could learn not to swing your weight around despite how little the weight you have is.”

Monika nodded, “Yes, I’m sure you don’t need to remind me that I’m not head nurse, that little gold pin on your breast reminds me every day as is,” The bitterness in her voice was palpable. “But I’m sure your termination would be necessary too. Given the fact you have so many unnaturally close relationships with patients. I’m sure your husband would appreciate it greatly.”

She’d be stupefied by those words. Waiting for Monika to withdraw her comments. Instead, she had nothing else to stare at but those unfeeling blue eyes.

“I hope that wasn’t a threat – I’ve heard many of those from you but I would prefer that this time you weren’t so careless as to be so direct with your attempts at blackmail.”

“Oh, it wasn’t careless, I can assure you of that,” Monika confirmed. “But I have seen your proclivity to talk with such unprofessional language to be… Uncomfortable. You can’t possibly invalidate my discomfort with how you speak about patients’ bodies, can you? I’m just raising some concerns.” If she were younger, she would be rolling her eyes right now. Instead, she straightened her back.

“You can tell Dr.Abelsson about your discomfort but actions are louder than _jokes_ – I’m sorry you can’t understand what a joke is. They’re wonderful things,” Elizabeta smiled tersely as Monika’s frown deepened. Monika liked to think of herself as strong but Elizabeta knew that she could equal that more than anybody else. “This incident will not go unreported. Consider it a service, maybe it’ll make your limitations a little more obvious. Now make sure you don’t cause collateral damage to our patients with your _carelessness_.”

“You don’t know me; you can’t know what my intentions are. But go report me – I don’t care.” Her voice gave away just how much she _did_ care. Monika had a perfect record; this wouldn’t damage her too severely, but it would represent a growing pattern of thinly veiled threats and intimidation. Hopefully, for Elizabeta’s sake, it would lead to Dr.Abelsson considering other avenues for Monika so she didn’t have to keep looking over her shoulder so much.

Elizabeta nodded, “Good afternoon, Monika.”

“Nurse Beilschmidt,” Monika corrected. “I would prefer Nurse Beilschmidt from you.”

“Sure,” Her tense voice responded. It was incredible to see how easy Monika’s mask could slip when she was challenged in such a way. Her ploy had failed miserably. “Goodbye.” She said in an uplifted voice, attempting to salvage whatever good in her day had been with her before having such a draining conversation. Monika paid no mind to her, promptly entering Mr.Vargas’s room again, probably to quell any distress that little Erika would be feeling having to talk to such a troubled young man.

* * *

Elizabeta knocked as a precaution, “Dr.Abelsson, may I have a quick word?” She called out. But when she saw the room was empty the sense of dread she felt as she realized where he _would_ be made her life even harder than it already was today. Maybe a more practical woman would’ve just given up on this, but she knew he just had to hear it from her. Whether he was clear-minded or not.

The echo of her footsteps, the clacking of heels, they hastened the closer she got to the pharmacy. With a deep breath, she opened the door and saw Dr.Abelsson. Sitting on the floor, against a hefty table leg. It was probably the only way she would ever be taller than him with his 'out of it' expression on the floor of the pharmacy – She was certain there would be missing medication that she would have to account for later.

“Dr.Abelsson, do you need any assistance standing?” He shook his head, waving thoughtlessly with a cigarette in his hand that he took to his lips. “Then I shall talk down to you, this is important.”

“Go ahead.” He mumbled.

“Your beloved Nurse Beilschmidt has placed a threat against me to discredit my position as head nurse. I’d like you to issue her with a warning for her accusations.” She watched him seemingly process this information, slower than would be normal for him.

“Well- Well what is the accusation, Nurse Héderváry?” He sniffed before throwing the cigarette on the ground, distracting her as she realized it was better she be here for everyone’s sake. She promptly made sure to extinguish with her foot, worrying the building would be set alight by his reckless behavior. “The accusation?”

“Yes, yes – The accusation,” Frazzled by her attempt to ensure nobody would be set on fire anytime in the near future she went back to the conversation. “I believe the implication was that I was acting in a seductive manner to patients. Or, at worst, sleeping with them – But I do like to believe the best in people.” She grimaced, there was no _best_ in someone like Nurse Beilschmidt.

“You’re sleeping with patients?” He chuckled. “I didn’t expect that from you.”

“Dr.Abelsson, I don’t know if I should be offended by that or if I should pity your juvenile mind as it is right now,” She groaned as she checked her watch. “You still have another few hours before you should be going home but I’ll clear your schedule so you can rest in your office until you’re…” A grimace appeared on her face. “Rested.” She guessed it wouldn’t be until tomorrow he’d be fully sober from whatever it was, he took. It was a shame really, a damn shame. But he was a fair doctor to patients – He treated them well as any doctor should.

“I’ll be here.” He stated. She had officially given up on her sad attempt at a report – He was too far gone to understand or appreciate anything that was coming out of her mouth.

“No, no, what would the others think if they found you strewn out on the floor like this?” She took to trying to help him up, his body quite loose but going along with the flow. “We can’t have everyone worrying for your health,” When he was to his feet, he swatted her hands away as he balanced himself with his hands on the table. “Dr.Abelsson?”

“Go home, Elizabeta. Just – I’ll call you tonight about your… What was it?” She sighed.

“It doesn’t matter, have a good day, Dr.Abelsson. I’ll tell you in the morning.” It was the complete indecency that she’d found him that had just made her long for home. No doubt her husband would still be working but she didn’t care – She needed the time alone to think of what would come next.

When she left him, she hoped none of the other nurses would find him in such a way but he’d gotten away with it so many times before because of his delicate position as the only real doctor they had. It was Erika that she saw first walking through the halls – She felt the need to warn her not to use the pharmacy for a couple of hours unless it was an emergency. But she was being strangely avoidant, trying not to look directly at her.

“Erika?” She saw a flash of blood on her hands. “ _Erika_ , are you going to wash your hands?” She nodded. “Very well, I’m sorry you had to see that in there.” She was going to leave but Erika had stopped her.

“Elizabeta?” She called, swinging around to face the girl she saw the guilt in her wide viridian eyes. “What do I do with the other Mr.Vargas?”

“Feliciano?” She furrowed her brows, Erika nodded.

“Yes, he… He was asking about his brother and I – I just feel so terrible not telling him. Mr.Vargas is unwell – So very, very unwell.” Her regrets were rubbing off on Elizabeta, she had the face of a helpless creature. It was only natural that she felt terrible for her as well.

“Well, you know we can’t disclose patient information to other patients. I’m sorry, Erika but this is just a part of the job to see… Unfortunate things,” Erika nodded, hesitantly. “I’ve been told by Dr.Abelsson to leave early but I would suggest you do the same.” The girl shook her head, surprisingly.

“I’ll manage, you did say it’s a part of the job… I’ll just wash my hands if that’s okay?” It was admirable how she was able to bounce back but Elizabeta couldn’t help but feel saddened. She’d come into this a green girl and was on a straight path to becoming jaded. It wasn’t a great feeling to be responsible for that – She hoped she could find some peace when she left the workplace.

“Yes, that’s quite alright. Take care of yourself.” Elizabeta smiled, Erika responding with her own.

“You too, Nurse Héderváry.” It was something she had needed greatly today out of all the days of dealing with that particularly retched woman – Erika was a breath of fresh air. But as she took to leaving the facility for the day, she would not rest. She had to ensure that there was no way Nurse Beilschmidt could get away with her terrible deeds again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't say that I'm entirely happy with this chapter but it is a necessary one to get to some of the major tensions that'll lead to other things. What I can say though is that I'm quite excited for the bubble to burst - I feel that it'll be fun to write but maybe not so much to read haha.


	5. Heavy Hearts

_"He could only consider me as the living corpse of a would-be suicide, a person dead to shame, an idiot ghost."_  
Osamu Dazai

* * *

The repetitive task of mopping was causing his mind to wander elsewhere. Even if it made him feel an immense amount of guilt, he wished he could just go home but the duty he felt he had to his older brother was larger than himself. It was probably the only time he could stick to something for good. What was that saying? Blood is thicker than water?

_Blood_. There was so much of it. It looked exactly like the water on the linoleum ground. He’d never seen how much the body could contain and just how painful it looked to die-

“Mr.Vargas?” Erika had pulled him out of his thoughts. The little jump he gave as he gripped onto the end of the mop tightly probably made him look crazy. He felt crazy – Was he turning crazy? The poor girl couldn’t possibly understand. “Mr.Vargas, are you alright?” He swallowed.

“Yes, I’m sorry – I don’t know what…” He felt her hand on his own tremoring one. Something slipped into his palm before she drew his attention away from his hand to her face.

Her smile was warm, “It’s okay, Mr.Vargas. Just try not to daydream too loud. There are eyes everywhere nowadays,” She bowed her head before her hand fell from his. Just before she left him though, she looked to her feet. “Better than yesterday.” It was a light jab that made him feel better than yesterday as well. Her laugh really showed her age. Still a girl, he wasn’t sure why that contributed to that warm feeling – Maybe it was the idea of having someone who wasn’t jaded yet in such a hopeless place.

Embarrassed, Feliciano nodded with a grin, “ _Grazie_.”

A strange girl but probably one of the only lights in this dark place. He could appreciate that. When she was gone, he opened his palm seeing a piece of paper. Quickly, he closed it again before stuffing the paper into his trousers pocket. His eyes darted to the nurse’s station where Monika was watching intently. It didn’t look like she saw what Erika had given him, but she didn’t look pleased either. She never looked particularly pleased anyway though.

When he looked around the lounge, he noticed how his brother hadn’t shown up at any point. It worried him more than seeing him sitting alone – Completely isolated and so incredibly lonely compared to the others. Even the others interacted in some ways, he saw that Antonio and Francis talking – He even saw that girl, Emma, sometimes talking to them. Although it was especially awkward for Emma and Antonio it seemed, they could barely look at each other in the eyes. Desperately, he wanted to talk to them too, but he was scared of how Nurse Beilschmidt would interpret that. If that could hurt Lovino. It was best to keep everything quiet even if he _needed_ the interaction more than anything.

Maybe that was why Erika’s touch calmed him. It was something he’d been kept from ever since he’d arrived. Even that small fact he didn’t know. How long? Long enough to become observant and painfully self-reflective – A trait he’d never experienced before and one he wished he could leave behind. He hoped that when they were both out of here that he could just go back to the way it was before.

_But probably not_.

It was something that caught him by surprise. The pessimism. He’d never been like that before, but he tried to stop thinking so much. It was a hard task when there was nothing to do. Really, absolutely nothing. Nothing but mopping a floor that would be mopped again the next day, the day after that, and however many days after that day. To him, that was true insanity that could somehow ruin even a healthy man like himself.

“Mr.Vargas?” He heard Nurse Beilschmidt call. It felt like he was being exposed in some kind of way – Everyone was staring at him now. Nurse Beilschmidt didn’t _just_ call people out. There was always some motive behind it. Had she seen what Erika had done? Would he be blamed? Would Lovino be blamed? He didn’t know. “Is there a reason you’re standing there doing nothing? Have you finished?” He looked down at his shaking hands, letting go of the mop like it was on fire.

“I- Yes. I think so.” He saw Nurse Beilschmidt’s eyebrows raise. Without much else to do, he smiled at her with his hands rubbing on the sides of his pants.

“You think so? Is that your final response?” _By God, this really was like school again_ , he thought. He gestured to the wet floor.

“There isn’t much else I can do.” It became a staring contest for a long while. He tried not to feel too intimidated but that was a hard task. No, this wasn’t school. This was like the military all over again. Having to pretend you weren’t being treated like dirt wasn’t fun. If she could throw him back in that boiling water again, she would or if she so pleased, she could even fry his brain with electricity. Whatever worked. That thought made him the one to avoid her eyes first.

Nurse Beilschmidt cleared her throat having thoroughly done her duty in making him feel small, “Well, alright. Recreation ends in fifteen minutes,” He saw her move away from the edge of the counter to go about her business like she hadn’t just caused his knees to buckle with anxiety. When he looked to the floor, he saw he hadn’t done nearly enough to consider it done. It made him wonder if she was tricking him somehow. “Mr.Vargas, would you put the bucket and mop away if you’re done?” She asked in an irritated voice. He looked up to see her staring at him again – He thought she was done with him.

“Oh- Of course! Sorry, Nurse Beilschmidt.” He apologized with a worried smile. Was this it? Really it? Or would she find some way to punish him? The anticipation was the worst of it, he wished she would just say it. Looking around, he saw that nobody was really looking at him and if they had been, they weren’t bothered with him anymore.

With a grunt, he picked up the bucket which he was not ashamed to admit was too heavy for him. He’d never been known for his upper body strength. He’d never been known for strength at all really. Each step felt like a million years with the presence of _her_ but he was excited to make it to the supplies closet – The only accessible material to patients like him were the things that could be no threat to anyone, even themselves. Apparently, the rest of those were locked away behind the nurses’ station or in the pharmacy. He was sure there were a lot more people wanting access to that than the bucket and mop or a good broom, he was the only one who was capable and volunteered to do such a thing but even then it wasn’t because he _wanted_ to, it was necessary to remain sane.

Setting the cleaning supplies down, he looked behind him and reached into his pocket to pull out the piece of paper. It was only a couple of seconds to read the sentence, but it was one that made his heart jump into his throat. Stuffing the crumpled paper away again, he felt the need for recreation to end quickly so he could go back to his room. The sooner it was over, the less risk there would be.

* * *

“I see you’ve recovered from your bender last night.” Elizabeta said, unimpressed by the doctor and his dreary thin face. His eyes were bloodshot with deep bags right under them. It was a sorry sight but not something she had to concern herself at the moment.

“Yes, yes, just tell me what your problem is.” He took his cigarette to his mouth – Never one for pussyfooting. Her back straightened, painted lips drawn thin.

“I expressed concerns for Nurse Beilschmidt’s actions, since her first days she has,” She held up her hand, counting each finger as she went. “Overtaken treatments, overstepped her boundaries with staff _and_ patients, made vague threats against me and now she’s implying that I have slept with patients – The very least I could extrapolate was that she believed I was acting inappropriately towards them. Dr.Abelsson, you must do something to punish this behavior.”

“And what do _you_ suggest? I think a little control over this place is better than how it was before. I can’t fire her.” Elizabeta nodded, expecting that kind of lukewarm response.

“Yes, but you must give her a warning – Something that gets the message through because she won’t listen to me.” Dr.Abelsson sighed.

“My hands are tied but I can _talk_ to her.” She furrowed her eyebrows.

“ _Talk_? So she can walk away with no consequences? You _know_ that this is something that will not stop with _talking_ ,” Still, he didn’t sway. “If she’s head nurse, there will be no controlling her. Right now, you could prevent much worse from happening.”

“You act as if your life is on the line if she continues the way she is,” He scoffed. “But mine is, I’ll lose this position – It’s good money.”

“Dr.Abelsson, I _do_ act as if my life is on the line.” She asserted. “Her thinly veiled threats have an honest place in her heart.” _If she has one_ , came one sour intrusive thought.

“You have nothing to worry about. Good day,” He dismissed but she still stood in that exact same spot in front of his desk. Stuffing his cigarette bud into the ashtray, he sat up. “It will be dealt with Nurse Héderváry. _Goodbye_.”

She shook her head, “I will be back here signing off on my resignation if you don’t take this seriously. I thought you would have a spine somewhere in that broken body of yours, prove me right,” The spite in her tone seemed to take him off guard but she was not someone who would be dismissed so easily – That was something her dear Roderich knew well after marriage but it was clear that not every man seemed to get that memo yet. “ _Goodbye_.” She smiled briefly before turning on her heel to continue her duties.

Elizabeta’s job as head nurse was to foresee the future but there was something about Nurse Beilschmidt that made that gift impossible – She was something akin to a dark force in that regard.

* * *

Feliciano was quick to stand when Nurse Vogel entered his room. He was quick to stand because she needed to give the angel a _tight_ hug. She stumbled from the surprise but seemed happy to receive it before he stepped back.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know any other way to thank you,” He was beaming. “This is… More than I could’ve asked for.” In his hand, a letter. He’d filled the page to each corner – Simply not enough room to contain all his words, everything he’d wanted to say for so long. How long had it been since he’d seen his brother? Maybe he’d know but given that they never knew the date or time most days, he probably had no clue.

“It’s nothing, Mr.Vargas. The guilt was eating me up, I could barely sleep.” She admitted, taking the letter and folding it to place in her dress pocket. Worried, he bit his lip.

“I hope this won’t get you in trouble.” _Or me_ , he thought.

It seemed like she wasn’t entirely confident either but shook her head to reassure him, “Nothing will happen if I don’t get caught – I’ll be quick to deliver this to him for you,” She smiled, “I must go, I promise I’ll do everything to try and make sure nothing happens to him or yourself, Mr.Vargas.” He nodded, understanding those words carefully.

“And yourself, Nurse Vogel. Please take care of yourself.” He said.

“I’ll try,” Her eyes darted to her wristwatch – It seemed like time was something the nurses here frequently had to keep track of, a luxury the patients often didn’t have when time seemed so fast at times it all just flowed into one. “Good afternoon, Mr.Vargas, I hope for good news.” The soft smile on her youthful face gave him some hope too. A rare thing to have nowadays.

“ _Grazie mille_.” He thanked her one last time before she was gone. Outside, he could hear the sounds of her footsteps echo down the hallway until they were unheard. Instead of settling back in, he stayed there. Listening through the door for those footsteps to return. He knew that his brother’s room was on the same floor in the same wing but the specifics of it were vague to him. It could be any amount of time before he heard anything from him _if_ he wanted to respond to his longwinded letter detailing all his woes.

It was taking longer… Longer, and longer again. Eventually, that excited jump in his heart was falling to a steady limbo. Unsure of when he’d be relieved to hear from Lovino again if at all.

* * *

But, again, there were footsteps. He’d been dozing off not too long ago but there was something – Not just any footsteps. They were a woman’s, heels. Just like Nurse Vogel’s Mary janes. The excitement made Feliciano rise to his feet to listen and as they got closer, he waited for the sound of them to stop right at his door. Behind him, the windows let an orange glow inside. When this little waiting game had begun, the sun was at its height and now it was just beginning to be replaced by the moon – However many hours specifically, Feliciano could not say but his legs were certainly feeling the numbness of sitting on the floor for so long.

Finally, that sound. The sound of nothing. The footsteps halting right behind his door. With a grin, he ripped open the door without hesitation only to be surprised by Nurse Beilschmidt.

“O-Oh.” He uttered, thoroughly embarrassed. She frowned, analyzing his surprised face and boring her eyes at the unlocked door. 

“Was I not the face you wanted to see, Mr.Vargas?” She posited.

“Uh, no, I just…” She shook her head as he hesitated to come up with a response.

“It’s not a matter of mine right now, I have something to ask of you.” He looked around.

“What is it?” His curiosity piqued but she gestured inside the room.

“I’d like to do so in privacy if you’d allow it.” It wasn’t much of a question, there was no questioning her. Stepping aside so she could enter, he closed the door behind them with his hands tucked behind his back – His palms were sweating and on the verge of shaking just by her presence.

“So, what was the question?” She turned to face him; eyebrow raised.

“How many men have you killed?” Taken aback by the question, his arms slipped beside him. A nervous chuckle came from his throat. “What’s funny?”

“Nothing – It’s just… Are you serious?” The laughter died down, the initial awkwardness of his response turning into a sense of dread.

“Of course, I’m serious. I want to know.” Standing straight, she didn’t flinch to explain her reasoning.

“I haven’t murdered anyone.” He stated but that answer didn’t seem to satisfy her.

“Just because you separate the crime of _murder_ to killing doesn’t mean you haven’t taken a life, Mr.Vargas,” She explained. “I doubt you got through your time in Abyssinia without taking at least one.”

“I wasn’t a good shot, sometimes I-I aimed at the sky,” He admitted. “I was discharged for a reason. I was never meant to-”

“Your justifications don’t interest me,” She sighed. “How _many_ have you killed?”

In a small way, her cold demeanor made things easier – She wasn’t making a judgment. However, he was still unsure of her motives which just made _everything_ impossible for him to say with confidence.

“At least… One,” The thought made him want to throw his stomach up. “Maybe more – I can’t remember.” The silence was killing him, slowly though. Maybe that wasn’t a great thought – Death. Not right now.

“I see,” She tutted. “Well, I haven’t got many options. _Feliciano_ ,” His first name made him pay closer attention to her face which he had been attempting to avoid for most of the conversation so far. “I need your help; I will give you a favor.”

For a moment, he considered it. But then he remembered who he was talking to. Clenching his jaw, he shook his head and with a wavering voice said, “I won’t believe you.” As if to convince himself of his own doubts.

“Then your brother will die here.” She said, he shook his head again, his breathing uneven. “Is that what you want?”

“N-No, but I won’t believe you.” Monika interrupted him, the pressure she placed on him making it harder to think past her words.

“He will die here, whether he slashes himself bloody, hangs or poisons himself – I won’t be helping when it happens. You’ll have to look at my face and know that you did not help him either-“

“Stop it-“ She continued even if he was shaking.

“It’s a simple favor that could save his life and your own, but your weakness… Why I’ve never seen such a thing. Your arms have no definition in the slightest, a young and healthy man like yourself should really do better to stay in shape.” Her scolding tone made him want to wither away. He rarely got told off in such a way.

“ _Please_ , Nurse Beilschmidt- I can’t,” He tried to make it all stop. This awful feeling in the pit of his stomach. Everything was better outside of here but to think of his brother being stuck here was worse. Worse yet, being stuck in here _without_ his brother. “Whatever it is, I can’t be a part of it. You said it yourself – I’m weak.”

“You don’t even know what it is.” It was true. This could be an overreaction, as he often did. But this _could_ be nefarious. This could hurt more than it was worth. None of those prospects were great – The best option was to walk away.

“I’ve never been reminded of any of that until you asked me that question. I… I don’t want to hear anything from you anymore.” He had never been particularly assertive as a child and it was clear he had never learned that skill since then. Strangely, she smiled.

“Now that’s a lie, isn’t it?” She prompted. “I think that you have a lot on your mind that scatters at night. Death, destruction, guns, blood – It’s all in there already. Nothing will change if you do nothing… Help me and you won’t have to be here anymore, your _brother_ won’t have to be here anymore. You will both walk out of this.”

His head seemed to shake on its own, “How can I trust you?”

“I need you. You can believe me, or not but I’m not open to admitting I’d ever need the help of a disgraced soldier.” He’d never been called disgraced before. Many other things but not that. That word hit him harder than he cared to admit to her.

“For some reason, I can believe that,” His smile was barely there at his personal joke. Nothing she would ever laugh at or enjoy. “What do you need me to do?”

“I need Nurse Héderváry to take a fall.” She told him.

“A-A fall? Like with my mopping?” Sure, it was mean-spirited, but it wasn’t anything particularly egregious.

“No, that’s not…” She pinched her nose. “A fall where she dies.”

“Oh God – I can’t- I can’t do that. Not to her,” He panicked. “Why would you want to do such a thing?”

“She’s standing in the way of me helping you right now – She would never be willing to let Lovino go in the state he’s in. Last time we saw him he threatened his own life. If I was head nurse, I’d have the power to do that. Now, will you help or not?” Feliciano’s heart was pounding against his chest at the thought. Killing a woman – A _nice_ woman. She’d done nothing wrong to him. He hadn’t seen her do anything wrong with other patients. He’d heard stories of the gifts she gave out of protocol. But he was still hung up on the fact she was a _woman_ all the same.

“I don’t hurt women.” He choked out.

“How chivalrous,” Nurse Beilschmidt’s voice was filled with sarcasm. “That doesn’t change the facts. I promise it’ll be clean if you can help. She enters the pharmacy before everyone’s medication is handed out for inventory and counts at night before going home. As the head nurse does, I suspect she'll be quite careful if she were to see me but you... Why she'd never expect it.”

His mind went to how often he prayed for forgiveness after the war. Maybe he still didn’t forgive him but he’d spent so long trying to rid himself of that burden, “How can it ever be _clean_ – It’s sin. There’s- There is no mercy in this-“

“God will forgive you. I already know where I’ll end up,” She assured him, in her odd little way. “Does God send the gun in a murderer’s hand to hell too?”

“No? I don’t know-“

“You are nothing more than that gun. A tool,” He frowned at the logic. All the unknowns were causing too much stress for him to handle. “He forgives you now and he’ll forgive you after it's done. You’re doing this for your brother, Feliciano. You’ll be able to stay here long enough to leave with him – I _just_ need that position to help you achieve that.”

“I…” He had nothing else to say. Nothing else to stall the inevitable. She had made sure there was nothing he could do to get out of this. If he said no, Lovino would be doomed, and soon he would be too. “Promise me you’ll be true to your word.” He held out his hand, little finger pointed out towards her. She stared at his hand incredulously. Perhaps it was a little childish to rely on a pinkie promise but it was the only thing he had.

“A promise?” He nodded insistently.

“We have to trust each other – Even if I feel scared, I’ll do it if it means you’ll help me.” She sighed, copying his motion and interlocking fingers.

“I’ll trust you to make the right choice for me as will I.” She was first to take her hand back, clearing her throat. It was clear she found the action uncomfortable. It probably was because of how uncharacteristically childish it was for her to participate in.

“But you’ll help me if I’m trouble, right?” She nodded.

“I’ll be right behind you. We’re allies now, Feliciano, of course, I’ll be there for you.” She stepped forward a few times, Feliciano moving to the side so she could put her hand on the door handle.

“Allies?” She nodded.

“Yes, which means I’ll take care of you so long as you do well by me. You and your brother will be kings amongst vermin if I get that position. And then you may leave,” Opening the door, she stopped before she made her exit. “ _Oh_ , and tell Erika that for whatever reason she came in this room will slide by me the one time, anything after that and the least of her worries will be my disappointment.” The light way she said it would’ve seemed normal from the average young woman’s mouth but from hers it sent a shiver up his spine.

“I… I’ll do that.” He waved half-heartedly as she left, her expression displaying more happiness than he had ever seen from her, even if her lips were just barely upturned and that line between her brows was just slightly visible. When he looked down at his hands they trembled and when he felt his heart continuing to race, that terrible awful feeling had never truly left along with Monika.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oop-


	6. Mercy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I get some hype in the chat for the new season coming out in 2021? (and continuation of the manga)
> 
> Great stuff.
> 
> Anyway, here's somewhat of a bummer of a chapter :)

_"I myself spent nine years in an insane asylum and I never had the obsession of suicide, but I know that each conversation with a psychiatrist, every morning at the time of his visit, made me want to hang myself, realizing that I would not be able to cut his throat."_

Antonin Artaud

* * *

Lovino was careful to read into every detail of the letter. Every word the bumbling mess from a fool that could only come from the mind of his little brother. The absolute idiot talked about everything – Apologized for too much and somehow made everything seem worse than it was. He had assumed that Erika was just like the rest of them but the fact she had been so selfless as to bring him some piece of his brother was a surprise at least. Unfortunately, her selflessness was not enough to get him to cough up something for his brother – He was too selfish to risk his own wellbeing if he were caught. That’s just the way he was, and Feliciano should’ve known him better than that.

A rapping at the door didn’t bring him to his feet. The orderlies weren’t worth the trouble. When Elizabeta opened it with a cart he realized what she was doing.

“Why aren’t I with the others this time?” He asked – The radio becoming his favorite distraction thanks to her. Ironically from herself this time.

“Because of your delicate state, it’s perhaps better you remain here for the time being.” He shook his head. Everything was so clinical, even emotional support.

“Whatever, I would never to kill any of those bumbling idiots. Including you.” When he looked up at her she had a smile, wheeling the cart inside and looking for his name.

“Dr.Abelsson says it isn’t uncommon to feel the way you do. But may I make a suggestion?” She asked.

“No.” Came his quick response. He barely had to think about it. All he wanted was to take the medication and get her out. She shook her head.

“Well, you haven’t got much of a choice, I’m sorry,” She handed him his cup which he took hesitantly. “Don’t give up, Antonio hasn’t. I’m sure you two will be able to make amends outside. Maybe you’ll find a nice girl and-” He swallowed his pills dry.

“I didn’t ask you for your shitty suggestions. You don’t see me _suggesting_ you go and fuck a woman – But that would sound so _wrong_ to you, wouldn’t it?” She sighed.

“Emma and Antonio are getting along well. You could-“

“Lie, yes, I know. I just don’t want to. I had no idea Antonio was such a sell-out,” He frowned. It was hard to admit that it hurt. But it probably hurt all the same for those two as well. “Just leave me alone and I’ll get by.” He scratched at his arms.

“Clip your nails, we can’t have you making a mess of the bathroom again,” She told him. As if his nails would break his skin to the same extent a sharp edge could. “Erika was not in a good way having to see so much… Red. I’m sure she believed she had witnessed your death.”

“Erika has no spine if she’s shaken by the _sight_ of blood. Maybe nursing isn’t her field,” He fiddled with his bandages. They covered him up to the elbow. “If I wanted to die that day then I would’ve done it differently.”

“Don’t say that – Don’t even think about how you _would_ do it. It’ll only preoccupy your mind with those thoughts. Think of nice things.” He shook his head.

“I don’t know what a nice thing is. Don’t act like you’re competent. Nobody here is.” Her face displayed disappointment.

“There are plenty of competent-“

“Dr.Abelsson is an addict, Nurse Beilschmidt is a she-dog, Erika is naïve and you are ignorant to just how exposed you are right now. None of the orderlies are competent,” He asserted. “You know, when you’re treated like shit until you are utterly helpless you find your own way of keeping strong. Ironically, the only strength I have in an insane place like this is my mind.”

“I’m not ignorant of the… The possibility that something terrible may happen if I stay. That is why I’m resigning.” He stared at her.

“Nurse Beilschmidt does not let go. You would have to pry her wicked hands off you yourself,” He scoffed. “Sometimes I wonder if she’s just evil or was made that way. Either way, I don’t want to know.”

“I won’t comment on other staff,” Elizabeta said neutrally. He didn’t need to know her thoughts – She wouldn’t be resigning if she were happy about being around Nurse Beilschmidt. “You just worry about your own progress.”

“If fucking women is the definition of progress then I’ve been stagnant for twenty-six years. Grandfather always said I was stubborn, just like him…” He shook his head. Nobody here could ever understand that if he could he would. But it was simply impossible.

“Just keep quiet during sessions and you will get by. Follow the rules, Lovino, and you won’t be hurt again.” Her voice was soft, an attempt to comfort him.

“That’s something my brother would do – Not me. He’s a walking doormat for people like you and while you might be the most normal of them all, you’re still one of them. As long as you are, I hate _everything_ you are,” Her eyes moved to the radio. His own following her gaze. “You can take that piece of shit if you want to punish me. I don’t care anymore.”

“No, I don’t think I will,” Her hands moved to the handle of the cart. “I can accept your qualms with us…” The missing phrase, _unlike her_ , was filled in by Lovino. “It’s only just that I leave you be, I only wish that others could do the same. Enjoy your music, it reminds me of home – Roderich listens to the same.” She smiled.

“I never cared for classical…” He stared at the radio. “Reminds me of grandfather, he loved that artsy shit.” Elizabeta suppressed a giggle.

“Well, _artsy shit_ is one way to put it,” She shook her head, wheeling her cart back outside in the hallway. “Try to keep yourself in high spirits. You’ll survive.” He nodded but didn’t think she really understood. High-spirited survival wasn’t exactly a thing – Most high-spirited people didn’t _survive_ , they lived. Survival was just necessary and often didn’t leave much room for hope.

When the door closed again, he had an intrusive thought of his brother’s almost pleading letter. Pleading to forgive him – Even if his wrongs were so meaningless now. It almost felt like a confessional where Lovino was the priest. Now that he had all the time in the world to observe him from afar too, he could see the way his hands tremored again. Something he hadn’t seen in a good long while. This place was hell and he hoped that there would be another opportunity that wouldn’t be through one of the orderlies. They were not to be trusted, even a soft-faced girl like Erika. She was too vulnerable to the other orderlies figuring out her little scheme.

* * *

“Feliciano.” Monika called.

It made Feliciano stop what he was doing to wait for instruction. Her eyes darted to the other side of the counter of the nurse’s station. He put his mop in the bucket to return to later. It wasn’t until he was stood in front of her that she spoke again. A soft clunk of the cup being placed on the counter drew his attention.

“It appears we made a mistake with your medication; we missed a dose this morning.” He frowned, picking up the cup and peering inside. A razor.

“What do I need this for?” He whispered, knowing that if he were too loud then it may cause more questions than it was worth.

“Tonight.” He shook his head.

“It would be-“ She didn’t care what he had objections to. The idea that he’d have to spill blood. There were other ways, more peaceful ways.

“If you have any _problems_ with your medication it might be something to be discussed _later_. Take it,” Reluctantly, he tipped the cup to his lips, slipping the razor between his teeth. “Good. Back to work.” He thought that she was enjoying this too much – Maybe because it meant he would be silent while there was a sharp object in his mouth that was keeping it shut. He doubted he’d barely be able to tell the difference between the taste of metal or the metallic taste of blood. They both tasted awfully the same.

But still, he nodded, following orders.

* * *

The blade felt strange between his fingertips – Something that wouldn’t usually _feel_ strange, most people used razors like these for hair. But in this context, it was a weapon, and he hadn’t held one of those for a long time. It was wrong and needlessly bloody; he had seen men gurgle on their own blood and it was a sight that told him it was not a peaceful death. Not something a _nurse_ who had done no wrong deserved, even if Monika believed she did.

He stood quickly, dropping the blade from his surprise when Monika opened his door without a warning. She looked to the ground and then to him. When he looked down, he chose not to pick it up again.

“I can’t use it.” She raised an eyebrow.

“You _can’t_? Or you won’t?” He nodded.

“I won’t.” Her frown grew deeper.

“Take it anyway. You never know what you might need – She’s told me she’s taken self-defense classes before; you know?” No, he didn’t know. But it wasn’t entirely unlike her, he even suspected Monika would have some kind of training like that. They were both quite athletic. She smiled, shaking her head. “Like that would be enough to stop me.” It was one big joke to her.

“Self-defense or not, she doesn’t deserve it.” She scoffed.

“You don’t know what she _deserves_ – She has shown me no mercy. _This_ is mercy,” It was rich coming from her but the anger that had appeared on Monika’s face made him swallow out of nervousness. Leaning down he picked the razor back up and put it in his pocket. It was only to satisfy her enough to ensure he wasn’t punished – He wouldn’t need it. “Good… Good.” She sighed, it seemed like she was just happy this wouldn’t become an argument.

“Monika-” She glared at him, forcing him to stop. “If you call me Feliciano, it’s only fair I call you by Monika. We’re allies.” He explained. Picking her battles, she shook her head but continued to show interest.

“Go ahead.” She relented.

“You asked me how many men I’ve killed,” His nerves were getting to him. “What about you?” He just wanted to make her understand. Make her understand that she didn’t know what she was doing – She didn’t know the first thing about _killing_. Instead, she didn’t break away from his face.

She answered, “At least one,” It was probably the only tinge of sadness he had seen from her, but it was fleeting. It had come as some surprise to Feliciano, who had little to say. He physically couldn’t get the words out of his dry throat. “But I can assure you that Nurse Héderváry has done more damage than a hundred dead men could ever account for.”

“Killing is never-“ _Just_. But he’d never be able to say that to her.

“Killing is mercy, Feliciano!” She interrupted – Her pale face turning a shade of red. The loudness of her voice took him off guard. Her hair had fallen to her face from her break of poise. “I have thought endlessly of all the things I could do to that wretched woman, but this is by far the most merciful. You can sleep knowing that _this_ is mercy.” The spite in her voice told him that she wasn’t lying. If he weren’t here, there would be much worse going around in her mind that he wouldn’t be able to stop. This was it.

Biting his lip, he reluctantly nodded, “I see.”

“I don’t want to hear another word from you about this or I’ll do the job of another useless man,” She sneered. “No? Nothing?” He shook his head. “Good, follow me.” Stepping aside for him, he always felt her tense gaze on him. Locking the door behind her, she walked at a brisk pace to the pharmacy. It was a long way for Feliciano – Their steps were agonizing. He just wanted it over with.

“You’ve been waiting for this,” He commented, almost as if he had just discovered something. “Long before now,” She hummed. “How long?”

“You ask too many questions,” He reached out to grope her arm. As she turned, she threw his hand off her and glared at her with a storm behind the eyes. “I’ll have your hand the next time you do tha-“ She began to hiss but he had grown jaded of her aggression. His heart was already racing enough as is so there was no room for hesitancy. The adrenaline was already rushing through him enough to stop caring so much about what happened to him.

“We’re allies – I need to ask questions. I know that I cannot refuse yours. You won’t refuse mine.” She frowned, looking down on him.

“Not now.” Her teeth had visibly clenched. Cautiously, Feliciano followed. He followed all the way until she had stopped.

“Is this it? Are we going in?” She shook her head.

“I will wait outside while you go inside,” She pulled out her keys. “Since there may still be other nurses around and there will most definitely be security, you need someone to stand guard for you in the halls.” He sighed.

“You really make this harder for me.” She handed him her keys, ignoring his problems. He would be alone. Nobody to help him – Only if he screamed, he assumed. But if he did scream, there was only one option but to run and hope nobody would know it was him. Sanctuary was bad, but a prison cell would be worse, or even worse would be the electric chair. The thought made him shudder. But still, he took the keys, looking to Monika for guidance.

“Use the second key from the right,” He picked up the key from the ring. “Yes, that one. When you enter, there will be a small pantry where you can wait for her – You will know it’s her by the sound of her footsteps. I’ll make sure to stay out of her sight so she doesn’t have her guard up and you _should_ be able to… Well, do what you must, as long as I hear nothing from inside, I will know you were successful. If anything sounds particularly alarming I will step in myself but do know that I might take that failure into account later,” _Hear nothing_ – Somehow, he would have to make sure it was quiet. This was a daunting task, and it was no wonder Monika had been quite cagey about this. Perhaps it was to make sure he was going in blind, either way, he would get the blame for any of this going wrong so there was only one option. _Make sure nothing went wrong_. For Lovino. “And do make sure you lock the door behind you, the only person who does that is Nurse Vogel.”

“I think I've got it… Pray for me.” He said it as a half-joke, but he knew he would have to rely on _someone’s_ prayer. Monika didn’t crack a smile at all, instead, she gave a curt nod and watched him struggle with the lock of the door. She watched for uncomfortably long – So long he slipped and dropped the keys. His fingers were too stiff, and his hands were sweating and shaking.

Monika sighed, “This is not a great start,” He tried to ignore her comment as he attempted a second time. The door went ajar, one last glance of that disapproving face and a, “Be quick.” From her was enough to send him in. It was dark but he had no idea where the switch was. He stepped back outside, opening his mouth to ask her where the light switch was before she had already begun walking away – Her back to him. Not too far but not terribly close either. He swallowed, keeping his foot in the door as his source of light as he tried to find the switch. He was afraid of the dark as is, but this was not any time to be afraid. Removing his foot, the door closed with a soft thump. He was quick to rub the walls for a switch before his fingers caught on something. With a flick, the lights flooded the room.

The walls were packed with bottles of all sorts as well as some files. But the pantry was beyond him, he had to discover the room first and discover it quick. He assumed she meant the door that was parallel to him. Locking the door behind him, he stepped into the middle of the room, beside the table. There were some instruments he wouldn’t be able to wrap his head around, but he couldn’t be too distracted. The second door opened inwards, some more medications lined one of the walls with some boxes containing some unknown contents. As soon as he was inside though, he looked at the light above him. It was foolish to forget the lights, quickly, he scrambled to get the switch again. _At least this room isn’t too complicated_ , came his final thought before he heard footsteps approach. Heels. _Damn_. It would be too risky to run back to the smaller room on the other side now – He could hear the keys in the door as he had been thoroughly trapped against the wall beside the door.

As soon as the door opened, he held his breath and attempted to remain still with his back against the wall. The door covered him from the woman’s line of sight. Her hand reached the light switch and as the door came to a shut he could see that he was indeed right behind _Nurse Héderváry_. She walked a little closer to the center table before pausing. She was staring dead on the open door at the other end of the room. Before she could think about it any further Feliciano made his move by reaching around to cover her face. He felt awful about it, but he had to cover her mouth to protect himself from being caught. Her breathing hastened as she jolted to remove his hands.

“ _Please, be quiet_.” He whispered his pleading words. This didn’t stop her struggle to get out of his grip, his arm wrapped around her neck to pull her down to the floor with him and hopefully make it quiet and as painless as possible. Her feet pushed back and flailed around to try and make some kind of attempt to move away but it just meant Feliciano was pushed back against the shelves. It felt too personal, but at least he couldn’t see her face from this position, her gasping for breath wouldn’t be bearable to watch if she were facing him. Even still, she didn’t stop resisting – Of course she didn’t, he wouldn’t either.

A sharp pain shot through his hand, yelping before suppressing his scream as the pain got worse. She was biting him, biting him hard. Even his arm squeezing tighter wasn’t enough to stop her, in fact, it had only made the pain worse. His instinct was to rip his hand out but it was too late for that now. “ _Stop-_ “ He hissed, “ _Stop biting- Stop it, please! Dio, per favore, smettila di morsicare!_ ” He tried to keep his voice down but the panic in his voice progressively got worse as he realized she fully intended for him to remove his arm from around her neck. It was overwhelming but he had to do it and risk the noise lest his hand fall from his wrist.

This was already a mistake, as soon as his hand was released the woman scrambled to get away, to stop her, he reached for her ankle only to be kicked in the face. Even if he wanted to focus on how much it hurt to have the heel of a pump to the face, he couldn’t stop panicking about the amount of noise she was making. Too much coughing, wheezing, and attempted to scream amongst her labored breathing. She reached for a glass bottle from the shelf, breaking it with a mysterious liquid staining her dress and ground, already, she had a weapon. He stopped, holding up his hands.

“ _I’m sorry_ – I’m so sorry.” He winced as she seemed to threaten to cut him. “I can’t- I’m sorry.” He repeated, the pain in his hand feeling like a sharp ache that refused to let him think straight.

“You tried to kill me- You, _Feliciano_ \- What is wrong with you?!” She couldn’t seem to wrap her head around it, but even now he was trying to keep her quiet. In a panic, he shushed.

“ _Please_ be quiet, I can’t- Please just take me to my room and we can forget this happened.” She shook her head, flabbergasted that he would even suggest such a thing.

“There is no way in hell I’m letting you do that, you’re going straight to security,” Her eyes darted to the door, her breathing beginning to calm. A deep sigh came from her before he attempted to gain some composure. Her hair had fallen to her face in a tangled mess as her updo became undone. “This is a police matter…” She looked to his hand, a tiny trickle of blood running down his forearm and onto the floor. “And a hospital matter.” He shook like a leaf thinking of the police – He was a criminal now. This was it; he would go to jail. He would rot there as he deserved, how he ever thought he could do this to her was such an awful terrible thing that he deserved whatever he had coming.

They both turned towards the door when it opened.

“Oh, a mess. Thank you for giving me another thing to do at such a late hour.” Monika said unimpressed by the sight before her. Nurse Héderváry was quick to rush to her, dropping her broken glass to shatter on the floor instead.

“Oh, thank God! Feliciano- He- He did something I didn’t think _he_ would be capable of!” Monika closed the door, glancing towards Feliciano who held a guilty look.

“He’s bleeding,” She pointed out, genuine surprise at the scene before her before she focused on the real issue at hand. _Fixing his mistakes_. “What did you do?” Nurse Héderváry sputtered.

“What did _I_ do? _Me_? You daft woman! He-“ The taller woman held up a hand to stop her, her other on the doorknob.

Her voice remaining calm, she said, “I will not take insults from you.”

“I still work here; I am still your superior and you will move out of my way while I have him arrested for assault! _Attempted murder_! are you listening?” She reached for the doorknob, but Monika did not move. “Monika, I am your superior!”

“What did I tell you about that name coming from your mouth?” She shook her head before scoffing. “Besides, I think you’re confused.”

“Confused? Nurse Beilschmidt this man just tried to-“

“I believe you’re confused about who the superior in this room is,” Before she could utter another word she didn’t hesitate before she punched her squarely in the face. Feliciano winced as Nurse Héderváry crumpled to the ground, dazed but realizing what was happening. “Make it quick,” Monika hissed to him. She was obviously unhappy with the way this had gone, it was messy in here, there had clearly been a struggle and Feliciano now had an injury. It would be much harder to cover up now. Nurse Héderváry stumbled to get to her knees, Feliciano felt sorry for her, moving like a weak animal – Completely different from what he had seen just moments before. “ _Feliciano, now_.” She ordered.

“She’s-“ _Defenceless, terrified and hurt_. It was not an honourable death. It was wrong. But Monika had to remind him what was on the line, justify it for just one second to make it _right_.

“You’re prolonging her suffering,” She sighed as Nurse Héderváry let out a cry. There was blood on her face. _Blood_ – So much of it. With a strong swing like the one she gave her, Feliciano wasn’t surprised that something had clearly gone wrong, whether it was a broken nose or bitting tongue it was painful all the same. “ _Useless_.” Monika began to approach him before he pulled out the razor himself, leaning down to Nurse Héderváry’s level. There was something in her eyes that was telling him to stop but this wasn’t for him – It never was. Softly, he put his hand just below her jaw, turning it enough to expose her neck. The way she didn’t fight it anymore unnerved him, a sense of reverse psychology telling him that her acceptance should be a reason to stop. To think too much into it would just make everything harder.

Quickly, he slashed her neck in one motion. Even if he closed his eyes, he still heard the sounds. Everyone sounded the same when they died in such a way. The sound of one last death rattle rang out before he knew that was it. When he opened his eyes again, the blood had soaked into her clothes and was spreading around her. He dropped the razor and held his hands to his face, feeling sick.

“If you’re going to throw up do it now.” Monika said, her voice displayed her disappointment. It may have sounded strange, but he was so sick that even throwing bile up wouldn’t be enough to express it. It was a shiver that ran up him, a shake that didn’t leave him – Everything was cold. A sob came from deep within his throat, having to suppress the sound by pushing his hands against his mouth.

It was unforgivable but most importantly unforgettable how cruel he had been to do this. The sight of her was enough to take him back to that dark place he thought he could put away. But of course, he was a fool to think he could. 

“ _My_ , you really do have a soldier’s heart.” Her tone told him that she could read him like a book and _that_ truly terrified him as he had never felt more exposed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ft. Lovino POV which I've been wanting to do for a while in this! (More of him will come later too)


	7. A Coward's Choice

_"There is nothing like an insane asylum for gently incubating death."_

  
Antonin Artaud

* * *

Donned in black, she knocked on the front door of a house she had been to only once before. When Elizabeta _liked_ her. When she trusted her. It was always important to know where someone lived, it was important she showed that she cared when she couldn’t give a damn what happened to that woman. She checked her watch with each minute that passed without an answer. Three minutes before the door opened on the umpteenth time she knocked.

Roderich was a shrewd man in a way but sometimes he could be sloppy, rarely caring for punctuality or respect. That much Monika could make the basis to dislike him. Even now, he looked down on her, not an unfamiliar feeling. The only reason she felt the need to strive for perfection was that feeling.

“Ah, black. Again.” He looked her up and down with a frown.

“Again?” He stared at her, amused.

“It seems like everyone believes this place is a funeral.” She suppressed the need to show her amusement. In a way, it was a funeral. But he didn’t know that. Elizabeta Héderváry had gone missing a few days ago. _Missing_.

“Yes, but the etiquette makes such events, not unlike mourning. She was well respected.” He nodded hesitantly.

“Well, I can guess that much… A few other nurses have come here,” His eyes were scrutinizing, unfeeling of her presence. “But _you_ of all people. I haven’t seen you here in a long time.” She shifted her gloved hands over her purse.

“Well, I do like to keep to myself, but I’d hope we were considered friends even during such a short time I’ve worked with her…” She sighed. “I do have my concerns, about her disappearance. I don’t know if you’d know of it.” Her worried expression seemed to sway him as his defenses lowered. His shoulders slumped, a falter in his cold demeanor.

“What is it?” He asked. Curiosity was something everyone had and most found it irresistible, especially when they were the only one who wasn’t in the know. Getting someone curious was one of the easiest ways to become the most knowledgeable person in a room – It was the easiest form of dominance.

“I… I don’t find it appropriate to discuss out here,” She shook her head and laughed awkwardly realizing her mistake. An intentional mistake. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have mentioned it at all.”

Roderich took a few seconds to process this but moved aside, “Come in. I’ll listen.”

* * *

When his brother hadn’t shown himself for several days, it was hard for Lovino not to feel some type of worry. Not only that, but it was perhaps the first and only time in two years that he had seen Nurse Beilschmidt take a day off work. However, one might see this as an opportunity as he sat at his favorite place by the window. For the first time in a long time, he stood and approached the nurses’ station by his own free will, the only one present today was Nurse Vogel who seemed to be sweating at the collar by such a rare sight.

“ _Ciao_.” He smiled tersely. His words dripping with sarcasm as she seemed to be thoroughly stunned.

“Yes, Mr.Vargas?” She feigned ignorance to just how peculiar this day was.

“Have you noticed something strange?” She looked behind her and out onto the recreation floor. “No? Surely you noticed.” He covered her line of sight by moving his body in front of wherever her eyes darted next.

“I urge you to use your recreation time, it’s not much time in the day-“ He leaned forward, face as close to the lattice metal as he could get without his nose touching it.

“Have you got a pen?” He scoffed. “What a stupid question, of course, you do. But would you be willing to give it to me?”

“Of course, but… What is it you would like to do with it?” He stared at her as if she were an idiot. Well, that wasn’t too far from the truth. All teenagers were idiots. Naïve may be a better word but that was an awfully steep slippery slope.

“A letter – I don’t believe you ever gave me your favor.” Her eyes shifted to her toes.

“Nurse Beilschmidt knows.” Lovino rolled his eyes.

“Is she here right now?” The girl shook her head. “Well, go on. Go to my brother.”

“I can’t possibly leave patients-“

“Do they look like they’re going off the rails? If something happens, I’ll take the responsibility for it, not like I don’t already with that bitch,” Nurse Vogel seemed offended by the term. “I don’t know what the hell you see in her.”

“She’s a good woman.” Lovino frowned. He could tell her that her heart was black and rotted long by now. That it wasn’t worth defending her when everyone already knew anything and everything they could possibly know about her. Instead, he went back to the task at hand – It wasn’t worth preaching to a brick wall.

“Give me your pen and I’ll take care of them for you. Honestly, it’d be easier for you, the only nurse on duty right now, right here, to go with the crazy patient who is a danger to himself and others is telling you,” He doubted the sarcasm got through to her. “Or not but if I had to guess why my brother isn’t here right now, I’m not thinking it would be because he _just_ felt like it. He needs to hear it from me.”

“Your brother?” He nodded. _Of course_ , she already knew what he wanted from her. It was always about him nowadays. “Oh… I assume you’re worried about him too.”

“Don’t play dumb,” They always played stupid but also always knew the exact condition of every patient. “What the hell has him hauled up in his room?”

“I honestly don’t know but I… I must not say...” He raised an eyebrow as if to say, _you’ve come this far_. Her sheepish gaze fluttering away as she understood her poor attempt at remaining tight-lipped was not working on him. “I was told that Nurse Beilschmidt was dealing with it privately. That he doesn’t wish to be disturbed by anyone but her – I don’t want to be a bother.”

“And Dr.Abelsson is just _okay_ with one of his patients being _privately_ attended to? In _his_ establishment? I mean, _come on_. This is… Bullshit,” While he tried to restrain himself around her, he rarely succeeded past a five-minute conversation. “It’s not exactly rocket science to see through her schemes.”

“I doubt that this is a _scheme_ ,” She frowned. “He agreed to this arrangement and Dr.Abelsson sees this as beneficial. His words. I can’t argue with a signed letter from your brother’s hand.” Lovino groaned. Of course, he was a complete fool. He’d agree to anything.

“Then she’s talked to him about it too. Dr.Abelsson… He’s a drug-“

“I know what he is…” She said sadly. Too much sympathy for his likes. “But I can’t just break the rules.”

“You did before.”

“That was when I thought nobody knew. Mr.Vargas, _please_. I can’t have even the _slightest_ possibility of a letter being found. Whether it’s in the trash or in a pocket or in-“

“Sneak me in.” He decided.

“What?”

“Instead of taking me to my room, take me to his. It won’t be long; you can take me back after no longer than half of an hour. This is the one day I’ve seen Nurse Beilschmidt gone. She wouldn’t possibly know I was there if you lock the goddamn door for once. No evidence...” She stared at him skeptically. “Tell her that the psycho Vargas brother threatened you to do it. You’re a little lily to her – She’d probably believe it too. The one day she isn’t here, everything falls into anarchy. None of it will hinder you, in fact, she’d probably take care of you even more than she already does.”

Erika took a few more moments to think it over. Of course, she was always right behind Nurse Beilschmidt, always close enough to be in her shadow. It was almost pitiful, like a little lost lamb. But Lovino already knew he had won her over, "Okay… I’ll take you to him. But twenty minutes at most.”

“I knew you’d make the smart choice. _Ciao_.” He smirked.

“ _C-Ciao_.” He struggled not to scoff at her. Instead, he chose to keep to himself. He couldn’t help but notice the stares he received from Antonio. He knew he never moved from that same spot he sat at, every single day without fail. For the brief moment after Lovino sat back down that Antonio gave him an incredulous expression, he almost thought he would speak to him. Putting an end to that thought, he prioritized his brother. After all, he was the only one who seemed to give a damn enough to come to the embodiment of hell next to the real thing, but he never belonged here in the first place. Not for a second. Like hell he was going to put that bastard through everything he had been going through for so long. Meanwhile, Antonio hadn’t put in the effort to even try, any plans Lovino came up with was met with nothing but complacency.

Lovino didn’t have that kind of energy to convince him it was best to leave but at the very least Feliciano could be saved.

* * *

“I know I didn’t just hear such an implication come out of your mouth.” Of course, Roderich wasn’t _happy_ to hear the truth. Neither was Monika. She hated this truth, but it was the only one that she knew anymore. The only one that mattered to her because it was the only thing that could make her understand why Elizabeta ever did what she did.

She removed her gloves, “I’d like you to tell me what implication you think I’m making. As far as I knew, I was crystal clear about what I said.”

“Elizabeta is an honest woman. We-“ She cut him off before he could fall deeper into his assumptions. People could put on a very different face whenever they pleased. Elizabeta thought she could bury her secrets, but they never truly went unforgotten.

“Were very unhappy. I know. She loved you, that much I believe,” Monika didn’t break her gaze. “But she loved someone dear to me as well. He was an honest man too before he so tragically passed. It seemed like it was common for her to find affection elsewhere.”

“And just how am I supposed to believe you?” He asked with a cynical expression. She shrugged, laying her gloves neatly on her lap.

“Maybe you can’t but have I proven myself anything _but_ honest to you? Do you think I _liked_ to know her secrets?” She scoffed. “That kind of knowledge ruined everything I had. You two may have had a comfortable life but this is not something that I appreciated to know in my own life.” The resentment in her voice had shone through. She didn’t care to hide it. As she said, she could be quite honest too and that hatred felt so real.

He scoffed, “I don’t know anything about you. All I see is someone who is making up an elaborate story.”

“You didn’t talk to her much, did you?” She raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure you would have noticed a change – Some time ago of course, but I don’t know how someone like her could have slept at night knowing what she did.” She didn’t want to let on that this was much more than any stupid _affair_ could mean to her. This was much more personal than that.

“What do you want?” He asked. “You come here, imply she has been unfaithful and now you’re acting as if I give a damn about your petty business.”

“Petty? You’ve lost your wife, Roderich. I don’t find anything about this petty, _everything_ matters here,” She shook her head. “No, you haven’t lost her. I know where she went.” He seemed interested in this development. While she _did_ know where she went – straight into the incinerator that is – He couldn’t have thought anything other than what his previously sown doubts had planted in his mind.

“Should I ask where?” _No_ , probably not. But Monika didn’t want to disappoint him with the truth. He wouldn’t take to that so much. Instead, she reached into her purse, pulling out a gold ring. Quite expensive, the one she wore every day.

“I found this in the trash, at the nurses’ station. Strange she would leave something so saleable, especially when she didn’t exactly bring much else to work her final shift. Almost makes you think she had been planning to go missing for a long time. Even resigned the same day. As if she just began anew,” She placed the ring on the coffee table. “So not exactly a where, but a _who_. I would say you should start anew too since she doesn’t appear to share the same sentiment you have for her. Quite tragic yet so common for the _especially_ unhappy wives.”

He stared at the ring before picking it up, examining every edge of it. But coming to the same conclusion. It was plucked straight from her finger, just not by herself of course. Yet he would never know that as even he seemed to slump in his seat, “I would like to be alone.”

She nodded, “Of course,” Standing as she slipped her gloves back on, she gave him one last nod. “I’m terribly sorry.” It was only polite, no matter how little she cared to say it.

* * *

He couldn’t say that he was pleased to see his brother. Even if everything he had done was for him, it felt wrong to look at his face. So instead, he avoided it entirely.

“Nurse Vogel let you in, didn’t she?” He asked, not quite looking directly at him. He didn’t see if Lovino had nodded or anything, but he finally managed to give him a verbal response.

“Who else? Not like Nurse Héderváry is here to do it for me,” That name made him cringe. Not so unnoticeably either. He could already tell his brother was looking right through him. “A little bird told me that you’ve been privately cared for by the witch.”

“Monika, _uh_ , Nurse Beilschmidt – She’s been nice to me.” That was true. She had been nice to him. _Very_ nice to him. Making sure that he was fed when he really wanted to just throw it back up was an unknown positive, he vehemently disliked being hungry. He saw Lovino cross his arms and kneel down so that he was in Feliciano’s direct eye-line. Unavoidable unless he wanted to be openly rude about it. Lovino's eyes glanced at his hands, a healing hand covered in a bandage. Instead of asking questions, as Feliciano expected, he scoffed.

“You’re trembling,” Feliciano put his hands in his pockets, Lovino chuckled at how poorly he hid it. “Nurse Beilschmidt is only nice if she can benefit. What is it she wants from you?”

“I- Nothing. I don’t know what she wants.” It wasn’t a complete lie but not the complete truth either. He had already done her bidding. It’s just that he had no idea what else she may want.

His brother sighed, “I read your letter.”

“And you didn’t send one back…” He said sadly. “I waited.” _It might’ve been the only thing that would’ve prevented this_. Just that one form of communication – That connection after so long apart. It would’ve kept him sane and stable even just for a moment where he needed it.

“You think I forgive you?” The frustration in his voice was understandable. “You left me here. You never cared until the day you came, what changed?”

“Nothing- I always-“

“Don’t give me that bullshit. I would’ve dropped everything to come here if it meant you would be out of this shithole. You’re the only reason I came to this fucking country and you have me locked in it for-“

“When I came here it was ten months and twenty-one days. You don’t get to tell me I didn’t care,” He felt the tears begin to well. “I don’t expect you to forgive me. I never thought grandpa’s suggestion was right, but I sent you a letter every day and I never got a response so what _else_ was I supposed to think?” He didn’t intend for it to sound so hateful. It wasn’t like that at all. He was just as frustrated as he was about this.

“A letter? I didn’t…” Lovino frowned. “You should have visited. Letters never get through.”

“You hated me before, why would that change?” He couldn’t avoid his eyes now. “Don’t lie – You hated me. You still do.”

“I don’t hate you. You just think I do,” He scoffed. “For someone so showy about how brave they were to avoid a firing squad with grandpa’s money you’ve always been insecure about it.” _Brave_? Feliciano never thought of himself as brave. That was something to be ashamed of – It always had been to him. A coward’s choice.

“You can’t just _stop_ it for once? I just-“ He stopped himself. Of course, this was an argument they had been in for years, but he always divulged into the same dynamics with him. Lovino had every right to hate him but he sure had a lot to dislike about his brother as well. It just wasn’t right to act like they weren’t both hauled up in the same place, in the same terrible position as each other. Neither could ever be better than the other in that regard.

“Whatever, you should just keep your head down and I’ll do my part-“

“I killed her.” Feliciano admitted. His brother’s eyes went wide. He could practically see every green and hazel fleck in his eyes.

“You what?” For the first time, Lovino had nothing to say.

“I… I slit her neck.” Lovino stood up, as he did so, Feliciano's hands instinctively came from his pockets and beside him as if to keep him grounded while he stared at that raging face.

“You idiot. You _fucking_ idiot. Were you not bloodthirsty enough seven fucking years ago-“

Feliciano stood just one inch taller, and _yes_ that somehow mattered to Lovino, “I just want to be _good_ – Don’t you understand? I just want to-to get you out of here,” He watched with wet eyes as Lovino let out an angry sigh, almost a groan as he rubbed his face with both hands. “I didn’t want to do it, Lovi.” It felt like such a long time since he’d said that. Almost regressing back to children again.

Lovino removed his hands, waving a finger in his face, “If you get caught-“ Feliciano pushed his hand down.

“I won’t get caught. Not with her. She promised me she would be there for me and she has.” The glare he received in return back Feliciano feel sick. He already felt ill enough.

“She was an innocent,” Feliciano shrugged – The only response he could give. “I can’t believe you-“

“It’s not like it matters to you anyway – You already think of me as-as some kind of murderer,” He bit his lip. “I’ll stay here while you leave. It’s only fair.”

“You idiot- You don’t know what you’re talking about,” He gave him an open-palmed gesture directed towards him as if to get him looking at himself. “You’re just having one of your little _moments_ where you think you’re making a good decision but it seems like you can’t do anything close to that if you somehow thought it was rational to _kill someone_. Jesus fucking Christ, Feliciano – You’re a legitimate murderer.” Those _moments_ seemed like they happened with every decision that he made. He was just like this. One bad decision after another to further ruin any chance at potential.

“Which is why I should stay,” He reiterated. “I deserve it. Not you…” Lovino shook his head but Feliciano refused to take anything but an affirmative answer right now. “It’s the only right thing I can do for you… Even if Antonio comes with you – I just want you out of here. You’re so _unhappy_.”

It took an uncomfortably long amount of time before Lovino looked at him directly again. Feliciano tried to stand tall, be confident but it was hard when his brother was looking at him as a disappointment. However, Feliciano knew that this was the only way – The only _just_ thing that had ever happened in the years that had passed with them never really reaching a conclusion for each other to accept. Something that wouldn’t lead to Feliciano being a drain anymore and Lovino being happy. “Are you sure?” Feliciano nodded.

“I’m sure.” He stressed earnestly, never breaking eye-contact.

“Then I won’t stop you from trusting someone like her. You just wait for her to break any promise she made you believe.” He shook his head; his brother was just coping. Coping with the idea that maybe his little brother was just genuinely a terrible person. Someone who deserved this – Who wasn’t being _tricked_ into letting that out.

“I’d find a way if that ever happened.” The determination in his voice seemed to send Lovino over. A nervous twitch in the corners of his lips making Feliciano realize just how much Lovino disagreed but refused to express. A rare moment of restraint for someone so loose-lipped about his opinions.

The door opened, Nurse Vogel tentatively poking her head through the sliver she had created, “Mr.Vargas?” It was as if she couldn’t say it fast enough, Lovino looking to her before looking back to him with a hurt expression. He could tell that he had no belief that Feliciano could do it, that Monika _would_ do it – He was sure that Lovino had been given false hope before.

“Like I said, I won’t stop you,” He finally said to him before he went straight back to pretending he wasn’t there. “Lock the door this time.” Nurse Vogel held a sheepish face as she nodded insistently as she let Lovino slip past her. She shot Feliciano a curious look before she seemed to realize that now would not be the time to ask questions.

He waited, hearing the door lock behind her before he knew he couldn’t take back what he had said, this was it, the only choice that wouldn't come from a coward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do love me some drama.  
> Monika/Feliciano will definitely be a toxic ass relationship but hey... It is what it is.


	8. Unravelling

_"The world sometimes feels like an insane asylum. You can decide whether you want to be an inmate or pick up your visitor's badge. You can be in the world but not engage in the melodrama of it; you can become a spiritual being having a human experience thoroughly and fully."_

Deepak Chopra

* * *

“After much consideration, I find it more appropriate to employ the head nurse externally.” As soon as the words left Dr.Abelsson’s mouth, Monika was furious. After all that work – All that effort just to talk Feliciano into killing the woman in the first place, all of that for what? So she could immediately be replaced by a stranger?

“We cannot just constantly rotate head nurses. We need someone who knows what to do _right now_ who will stay here for a long time – An external nurse would have a learning curve to overcome and we just haven’t got that kind of time, it’s unreliable and inefficient.” He sighed.

“Nurse Héderváry’s disappearance is strange. I think you would know that more than anyone else,” The unmoving stare he directed at her was met by a cold exterior. “I think it would be too much of a risk to promote you.”

“You’re clammy. Are you nervous to promote me or are you due for another night of choking down pills?” She scorned. “I do hope it’s the former – Just think about all of the allegations that could come out of this if it wasn’t.”

“You would lose your job.” She smiled.

“Good, so would you,” Shaking her head, she approached his desk, placing a hand on the edge of the mahogany. “I think you would know that it’s unwise to argue with someone who has nothing to lose. Nobody would want to hire the likes of _you._ At least I would be the nurse with integrity. I’m the one who would survive here, not you.”

“I will not accept-“

“You _will_ accept blackmail because you have no choice,” She removed her hand from his desk as if it were a hot iron. “I don’t trust you enough to be competent but just once is all I ask.”

“You weren’t like this when I first hired you. If I had known, then I never would’ve gone through the trouble.” Frustrated, he reached into his pocket to grab a lighter. The stress was evident on his face, it wasn’t the first time Monika had felt like the source of everyone’s problems, but she embraced it.

“I haven’t changed. It’s just that now my ambitions are inconveniencing you. In such a short period of time, I have created _change_ – Real change. It’s best you don’t get in the way lest you disappear too.” He sighed, the smoke from his cigarette coming from his nose.

“Go, I have patients,” He shooed her away with a flick of his hand. “I hope wherever Elizabeta has gone has been kind to her.” Personally, Monika didn’t believe that Elizabeta was in someplace in the clouds, but it was comforting to some people she guessed. Death wasn’t exactly _kind_ – It just made all that suffering in life seem all the more meaningless.

“I would hope so too. Good day.” She almost struggled to contain her frustration, wishing that some people just knew when they weren’t in the position to refuse her requests.

* * *

As the bandage unravelled, Feliciano grimaced. He couldn’t help but look at it from time to time – Monika would probably warn him that infection was still a possibility. It did look painful, especially for something like a bite from a person but at least he could touch his thumb to the rest of his fingers, even if it did irritate the wound slightly. Losing something like the nerves in his hand would be quite the punishment for an artist and it may have very well of been deserved had it not been for God’s mercy, that’s what he liked to think at least to make it seem better than it really was.

He heard a click, grabbing at the bandage on the vanity to try and pretend he hadn’t been looking at it. Slipping from his grasp, the bandage had fallen onto the bathroom tiles pitifully. Muttering some less than desirable words, he took the bandage and wrapped it around his hand frantically and messily before it was obvious, he had been caught.

“I see that needs changing.” Monika remarked. He caught a glimpse of her in the mirror.

“I was just…” He sighed. It wasn’t worth lying. “Okay.” He could smell food but wasn’t quite sure what it was. It certainly wasn’t like anything from home, some of the food here made him feel ill to look at but some things like _wurst_ were acceptable in taste at least.

“Come, sit down then.” The aggressive tone of her voice didn’t exactly instil any sense of ease. However, he could tell it was unintentional by now. This was truly just the way she was. A true orderly.

He couldn’t help but drag his feet towards the edge of the bed, watching as Monika removed a bed tray of food to place beside him, he wasn’t particularly hungry but he had to eat in front of her. Her orders. It was strangely considerate but there was probably some other reason he assumed, protocol maybe. Before he could eat the mystery meat and peas, he became curious over the absence of something.

“There’s no medicine?” He looked up to her incredulously. Distracted from reorganising her trolly she paused.

“No, I suppose not. I decided that it would be redundant…” She side-eyed him before wheeling the trolly at the end of the bed. “Can’t imagine it’s particularly good for you to keep it up. Especially if you’re going to be on your way soon.”

He took some time to process the words, “Soon?” She nodded. “What do you mean _soon_?”

“You cannot possibly stay forever. I just have some housekeeping to do before it can happen. Dr.Abelsson, as expected, hasn’t taken too well to the empty role of head nurse,” She shrugged, surprisingly taking her nurse cap off. “I predict that I may have to fight to be promoted. Not the first time I suppose.” Coming from her, that idea sounded quite sinister.

“What if you fail?” She stared at him.

“Then I have another way. It would be much easier for me to have your brother and you discharged as head nurse. You would be easy but given the nature of your brother’s turbulence I doubt Dr.Abelsson would be easy on him.” He frowned, fiddling with his bandages.

“What of Antonio?” She frowned.

“I suppose he could come too… Although, I don’t know why _you_ would encourage that,” There was some surprise in her voice. “It was expected of Lovino but from you it makes me wonder if you’re just dense.” She raised an eyebrow at his suggestion.

He shrugged, “Lovino was happy for a while before he came here… I would think some of that was Antonio’s doing – I didn’t know of their _proximity_ until recently,” He smiled sadly, probably _too_ recently. Maybe he could’ve done more to prevent this, to stop his grandfather’s poor decision to have him admitted over such a trivial thing. “I think I could tell, at least a little bit… If that’s the reason he’s here, then it’s all the more reason for him to leave.” He only wished he hadn’t been kept so in the dark.

“Right, well, I didn’t intend for Antonio to be a part of this,” She frowned. “It wasn’t like Lovino would agree unless he thought Antonio was coming.”

“Maybe that just means he has to…” Feliciano felt the nerves building up as he thought of how to break things to Monika. “If it was ever a problem, having so many people leaving at once that is, I could _stay_.”

“ _Stay_?” The idea seemed to intrigue her.

“Yes. It’s what I deserve given what I’ve done.” Despite the immense amount of guilt in the tone of his voice and expression, she scoffed, dismissing his words.

“Given what _you’ve_ done you deserve the electric chair in the eyes of the law,” She shook her head. Yes, technically that was true. But this was much more preferable compared to death at least. “I notice it, you do know that?” He furrowed his brows as she shuffled through a first aid kit, pulling out a roll of bandages.

“What is it you notice?” She sat beside him, reaching to take his injured hand.

“Your hands,” She removed the old bandages he had messily wrapped. “It’s a nervous reaction for them to shake… And less so, I suppose, is the callus on your middle finger.”

“Callus?” She nodded. When he looked, he supposed there was a slight bump compared to his other fingers. Maybe it was the years of gripping onto his pencils and brushes as if his life depended on it.

“I didn’t expect you to be a writer.” He shook his head.

“Probably because I’m not. I paint, mostly. I was never good at writing coherent sentences,” He joked. “I get distracted too easily to write.” Writing and reading was terribly _boring_ to him – Too much attention and focus on abstracts. At least with painting, there was a visual to work with.

“Are you good?” The genuine interest was unfamiliar to him. “My brother had an interest in the arts. Even if he wasn’t so good himself.” Uncharacteristically, she sounded unassertive in her words.

“Brother?” She hummed unforthcoming before he remembered the question at hand. “O-Oh, I don’t know,” He couldn’t help but be embarrassed by the question. Whenever it came to _skill_ he wasn’t nearly as good as he wanted to be but that was just the nature of any passion. “I’ve mostly only heard my brother’s comments. You know how he is though.” _Looks like shit_ , was Lovino’s favourite phrase to say in passing. Even if he still ‘borrowed’ a few paintings of his for his own.

“I see… They’re unusually steady,” Confused he stared at her waiting for further elaboration. The silence seemed to gain her attention. She had to do a double-take, eyes moving back towards his hand. “Your hands.”

“Oh, I guess they are.” He smiled tersely when he noticed. She finished wrapping his hand before looking back up to his face.

“Have you ever sought treatment for that?” He shook his head.

“I wouldn’t know of any other than painting… I only ever had this happen-“

“After the war. Yes, I know. It’s no coincidence, my brother and I had similar reactions…” He could tell she wanted to add more to that. “Terrible infliction it is.”

“What is?” His mouth going dry.

“Memory. We would be better without it,” It was probably one of the most common thoughts he had, wishing to erase entire sections of his memory to make things easier but he had never heard anything similar come from another, especially not _her_. She stood abruptly. “Make sure you eat. It’s probably getting cold by now.” Picking her cap from the top of the trolly, she made sure to pin it back securely on her head.

“Delicious…” He mumbled with a tinge of disgust. “I wish I could just cook my own food.” He whined.

“Maybe someday,” Monika frowned, wrapping her hands over the trolly’s bar. “If you change your mind,” She stressed it as a suggestion. _You should change your mind_. But he couldn’t tell, it was clear something was causing her some stress anyway. Everything was supposed to fall in place by now and he hoped that there wasn’t _more_ that he would have to do. He hoped that it could all just be over, knowing his brother was safe was his only concern right now. “Take care.”

He nodded, “Take care.”

* * *

The sound of heels stopping precisely in front of her made Monika look up only to be met with a buxom woman, perhaps disgustingly so as her mere existence was enough to make her want to avert her eyes. 

“Yes?” She raised an eyebrow. The woman, surprisingly managing to be taller than her, looked down with a smile.

“I’m Yekaterina Braginskaya, the new nurse. I’m here to see a Dr.Abelsson,” She removed her glove to shake her hand. “We’ll be colleagues, yes?” She didn’t reciprocate the pleasantries as Braginskaya lowered her hand dejectedly. “What is your name?”

“Nurse Beilschmidt.” Braginskaya seemed amused by this, it brought Monika some irritation to hear. She picked up her pen and began to write down her name for the logbook.

“Is your first name _nurse_?” Her jokes weren’t appreciated in the slightest. It was, frankly, insulting.

“No, but it is to you,” Frustrated, she looked around to find someone else to deal with her. Of course, Erika was always a short distance from her. “Erika?” She called. It was obvious she didn’t hear her as she continued to work on the appointments. “ _Erika_.” She called louder.

The girl turned, seeing the stranger on the other side of the desk, “Is this the new nurse?” She jogged over to the desk, almost too happy to see a new face. Braginskaya reached out to shake her hand, this time, however, Erika took it with a shake.

“Yekaterina. Kat is welcome,” She smiled. “What an adorable face. How old are you?”

“Seventeen,” She paused, embarrassed. “And a half.” Monika wanted to sigh. The only people who said _and a half_ showed their youth. Nonetheless, it was… Endearing.

“My goodness, that’s enough to make me feel old,” Braginskaya chuckled. “When I was your age, I had no idea what I was doing let alone training as a nurse. How admirable.” Monika gave a glance to her side, the smile on Erika’s face – It was mocking her.

“Right, well, Erika,” The girl turned to her with a perplexed expression. “I was just going to tell you to tend to the patients. I’ll deal with the paperwork here.”

“But-“ Monika gave her a dead stare. “Well, alright, Nurse Beilschmidt,” She gave Braginskaya a wave. “It was nice to meet you.” Braginskaya nodded before directing her attention to Monika.

“Sweet girl.” _God, that face_.

“You may go to Dr.Abelsson’s office, he has no appointments for the next hour,” Braginskaya didn’t move. “For you.”

“Thank you, Nurse Beilschmidt. I look forward to working with you.” _That face_ – She wanted to break it.

* * *

“That _whore_ ,” Feliciano had never seen such a thing. Monika was seething. “He’s a dead man.”

“ _Who_?” If looks could kill, _he_ would be the dead man right now.

“The new _nurse_. She’s vulgar,” No, not seething – _Unravelling_. “Dr.Abelsson wants a glorified prostitute to fill the position of the head nurse.” It wasn't exactly good news to hear from her. He needed her to have that position - Sooner rather than later of course but coming from her, he wasn't sure if it would involve blood being spilt.

Nonetheless, Feliciano frowned, confused, “What’s wrong with her?”

“What’s wrong is your brother would be tracked down if he left this place now,” He fiddled with his wrist. _That_ wasn’t an answer to his question but he thought he already had some idea of where her anger was placed. Or _misplaced_. “Do you understand or are you just going to sit there?” He'd always been slow, but now _that_ slow.

“I just don’t know what you want to hear – I can’t do anything about it.” His eyes darted towards the trolley. A leather bag sat on the undercarriage of the cart. As soon as she noticed him staring, he looked away.

“There’s a reason that’s there.” He smiled coyly.

“I guess everything has a reason to be here.” She sighed.

“It’s for you,” She was quick to take the leather bag, placing it on the end of the bed for him to collect himself. “I stopped by the city centre, yesterday. Saw a sale.”

“A sale?” She nodded.

“It’s easy to sneak anything in here – Your brother has an entire radio from... Well.” Her lips became taut. He unwrapped the cord and laid it out across the bed.

“Must’ve been some sale, huh?” It felt like a joke, he almost wanted to laugh. Expensive. That’s what this was. Paints, brushes, pencils, paper – _Everything he needed_. Hell, he would've been happy with just the pencil and a clean surface.

“It’s bad form to lose practice,” She seemed stiff. Stiffer than usual. “I used to play chess but now I can't tell a queen from a pawn.” Funny, so loose. Conversational _almost_. There was still something orderly about her - Never taking her guard down.

“Somehow I can believe that – So much _thinking_.” Monika sighed, reluctant to speak but building the courage to do it anyway.

“I’d like proof, you know,” Feliciano blinked a few times before she spoke again. “I would like to see what you do. Apart from mopping, of course.”

“And do I get anything? That sounds an awful lot like a commission.”

“I didn’t know you were one for negotiations.” He laughed. He could tell she hated that. Forcing herself to be a diplomat when she would like nothing more than to have it her way all the time but he guessed it was rare for her to fail in that regard.

“A favour will be enough.” Not as if he earned much money usually anyway.

“What favour?” The sceptic in her came out full throttle.

“I don’t know yet,” He shrugged. “Isn’t that the point of a favour? Seals a deal for the future? I don’t have to know right _now_ but...” Her gaze was cold, her eyes to match.

“I don’t like to deal with unknowns.” She crossed her arms.

“You like to do it to me. Don’t like it back?” Taking off her cap she gestured for him to move aside. Picking up the painting set, he made a space for her to sit.

“I don’t appreciate the attitude,” She frowned. “Too much like your brother.”

“I don’t think it’s attitude… Just an observation,” He picked up one the pencils. “What would you want me to do?” She looked around. “It doesn’t have to be here.”

“Just do what you want. I’ll watch.” He laughed.

“An audience. I don’t usually have those,” All she did was watch. Well, he couldn’t say he wasn’t told that’s what she’d do. “Why did you stop playing?” He asked, flipping to the first blank page.

“My brother taught me,” She straightened her back. “He liked beating me as a child. I only stopped because he couldn't play with me any longer than he did.”

He smiled, “Sounds like something a brother would do…” He frowned. “I don’t think I ever caught his name.”

“…Gilbert,” She looked at the page before he moved it up, out of her eye-line. Looking up, he raised an eyebrow, wanting to know more. “He’s dead.” _Well_ , that deflated any sense of fun to get anything from her.

“I’m sorry.” He said, going back to the task at hand.

“No, you’re not,” He furrowed his brows. “Not for him anyway.” It was as if she had heard enough of those two words, she had already had that at the ready to deflect his sympathies.

“Any other family?” He grimaced when he took a glance at her silent frown. _Cringed_ may have been a better word. “Sorry-“

“My father should still be alive. Not that it matters… What about you?” Well, at least he wasn’t another dead relative. The wind hadn’t completely been knocked from his sails.

“Just Lovino now – I have a cousin in Brooklyn… But so does everybody back home,” He smiled. “You travel?”

“No. I’ve never left here.” _How unfortunate_ , he wanted to say.

With a little more hope in his voice, he asked, “You want to?”

“Yes,” She shook her head. “But not Italy,” Perhaps it wasn’t the best move to laugh. It only seemed to irritate her. “What?”

“I never said Italy. Just a general question,” She sighed, averting her eyes. The line between her eyebrows made it clear to him that she was doing a lot more than just blushing. “It’s okay to be embarrassed without being angry.”

“Embarrassment implies I’ve lost. Of course I’m angry.” It was as if she didn’t know anything else.

“Lost? My God, seems like you never stopped playing chess,” He continued his strokes on the page. “So stiff.” Even as soon as he had said it, he had regretted it. Knowing she didn’t take kindly to such insults.

“So I’ve been told,” He looked up, expecting her to thwart him in some way. Instead, she stared back at him as if she were confused. “Continue.” But it never came.


	9. Dimmed Lights

_“He belongs to the class of simple-hearted, practical, and dull-witted people, prompt in carrying out orders, who like discipline better than anything in the world, and so are convinced that it is their duty to beat people.”_

Anton Chekhov,  Ward No. 6 and Other Stories

* * *

It was the eyes. Something about the eyes.

Lovino could see it – He wasn’t a fool. But his brother sure was.

The first time he comes to a group session in centuries and he looks shifty. Putting the majority of his attention in staring at the nurse’s station. He sighed, watching Feliciano waiting for something. Or someone. It was unusual for only the junior nurse to be around. Usually, Nurse Beilschmidt was watching them like a hawk. Instead, it was clear that Erika was in her own world, reading a magazine.

“She’s late,” Lovino looked towards Emma. “Might as well make conversation.”

She smiled, “I’m afraid I haven’t got much to say.”

He looked to Antonio, eyebrow raised, “How’s the sex?” Even Feliciano broke his gaze to give him a concerned expression.

“Not here,” Antonio muttered. “Don’t be rude.” He crossed his arms and leaned back. _Rude_. What was rude was _this_. Everything about this was rude – A total punch to the gut.

“I might change my mind. Maybe when I get out of here, I won’t take you with me.” He looked to Feliciano; it was obvious he wasn’t focused on anything going on here anymore. Sex was enough to grab anybody’s attention though.

“Maybe I’ll be out before you – You haven’t even tried to play the game,” Antonio sighed. “ _Everyone_ is suffering here.”

“Not him,” He narrowed his eyes on Feliciano. “I’d bet on him.”

“Bet what?” Emma whispered, perhaps she was a little smarter knowing Feliciano was an ear away. He scoffed.

“Bet that he’s a fucking idiot. Most men are,” Biting his lip he began to regret his outburst. “I don’t want to play games. I want to be honest.” He explained to Antonio, a sheepish look overtaking his expression.

“Well, you’re not short on honesty.” Francis chuckled.

_Great_ , just what he needed, “Shut up. _Sei un rompicoglioni_.”

“ _Non si fa così_ ,” Feliciano remarked. “Be nice.” He smiled towards the Frenchman – Nobody smiled at that bastard. Not unless it was Antonio making a joke with him.

“ _Assassino_ ,” Lovino scoffed. “ _Che farai_?” But he was sure that it didn’t feel good that Lovino was right either. He looked towards the nurse’s station. “ _Madonna_ ,” His eyes went wide. “Who is she?”

“The new nurse, probably.” Feliciano looked as if he had to pick his jaw off the floor.

“Don’t you know it could be considered rude to stare at a woman’s…” Francis laughed. “Well, you know.” It looked as if Feliciano was ashamed of himself for being caught but he probably didn’t regret it either. Lovino didn’t understand – Such a thing was nothing short of a blessing from God on a woman but not something to write home about either. They were just _flesh_.

“Do you see a pin on her?” Feliciano asked.

“What’s it matter?” Antonio asked. “A new head nurse could be a good thing,” _The fool_ – It mattered for both of their sakes. “Better than Nurse Beilschmidt having it.” Lovino glanced towards Feliciano, knowing full well that it certainly wasn’t going to be pretty if she didn’t have that damn brooch. It seemed like he had his worries too, after all, he would have to play executioner again if that were so.

“I hope so,” Emma wrapped her arms around herself. “Everything would just get worse.” _Goddamn it_ , it felt wrong to wish for the opposite. It wouldn’t be possible to have _everybody_ out of here. The most he could hope for was to get himself out and even if Antonio was thoroughly pissing him off lately, he still wasn’t going to give up on him. It wasn’t justice but they had to take care of themselves first.

The new nurse noticed them staring, giving them a wave that made all of them stop in their tracks. It wasn’t until they saw Nurse Beilschmidt approach her from behind that they looked at each other again, “This is a warzone,” Lovino declared. He turned to his brother who was watching intently. In fact, they all were. He sighed, watching them exchange a file, Nurse Beilschmidt explaining something to the new nurse. “We’re right in the middle of this bullshit.”

“I don’t see a pin on either of them,” Feliciano said. “Why isn’t there a pin?”

“Like hell if I know.” Lovino pulled a leg to his chest to lean on. Maybe it was as some form of comfort, _anything_. It was an anxious situation for him, if another had to die then he wasn’t sure if he could find it in him to look at his brother the same way again – It was already hard as is.

“Maybe she’s just on a probational period right now,” Antonio shrugged. “She’s smiling, that’s a step up from Nurse Beilschmidt.”

“And that physique,” Francis did a chef’s kiss. “It’s as if she was made from marble.”

“ _Merda_ , she’s not going to fuck you – Not in a million years.” Lovino rolled his eyes.

“And _you_ would know that?” _Touché_ , Francis wasn’t a complete shit talker when it came to his conquests. Although, he would have no idea what anybody could see in that frog.

“I can see why Monika hates her.” Feliciano sighed; the disappointment evident in the way he seemed to slump in his chair.

“And how would _you_ know that?” Francis smirked.

“It’s… Obvious.” _The worst liar he had ever known_ , it made Lovino want to strangle him with how cagey he was acting. Cagey was _not_ Feliciano’s forte.

“A little bird tells me that Nurse Beilschmidt has been paying _special_ attention to you, _mon ami_.” The way Feliciano seemed hot under the collar wasn’t looking good for him. Of course, Nurse Beilschmidt just had to make her little lackey happy, but he somehow severely doubted that involved opening her legs.

“Any little bird within a ten-foot radius of your stench would promptly fall from the sky before it could gossip.” Lovino decided to cut his brother some slack.

“Sometimes I hear her, she stops right by his door,” Francis shrugged. “Perhaps there’s a reason he’s been in his room for so long – Maybe he’s tired.” He nudged Antonio who snorted as if he were a child again.

“ _Ugh_ , don’t even joke about that.” The genuine disgust in his voice seemed to be enough to satisfy Francis’ need to tease him.

“They’re coming over here.” Feliciano said with dread.

“Fuck, she looks like she wants to kill her.” _Probably because she was already planning to in her head._ Antonio scoffed as if it was just a joke – An exaggeration. When they came closer, the contrast was drastic. She was a _vast_ woman, that was the nice way to say it. But not thick in the waist, quite the opposite. A true Venus. Smiling earnestly, something he was certain Nurse Beilschmidt would find impossible to do, she gave the group a nod.

“It’s nice to finally meet all of you,” The new nurse was first to speak. “I’m Yekaterina Braginskaya, I’ve been told you’re supposed to call me Nurse Braginskaya, but Kat would suffice.” Nurse Beilschmidt sighed.

“The rules cannot be broken, _Nurse Braginskaya_.” She couldn’t let those arbitrary rules go.

“Oh, I’m sure that there can be exceptions,” She dismissed, sitting down. For once, it was Nurse Beilschmidt who followed. _Oh_ , how she hated it. “I took the liberty of learning your names from Erika.”

“Good, then we can proceed as scheduled,” Nurse Beilschmidt was quick to dominate the conversation again. “Mr.Vargas,” Lovino knew that meant him but Feliciano had also turned his attention to her. “No, not you.” She sighed as if he should know by now – Feliciano _should_ know by now that if it was anything to do with her wanting to embarrass someone it was intended for Lovino.

“I believe we can mitigate this issue by saying _Lovino_.” Nurse Braginskaya smiled.

The side-eye Nurse Beilschmidt gave her was nothing short of humiliation on Nurse Beilschmidt’s part. Nobody questioned her, “Mr. _Lovino_ Vargas, tell me your improvements for the week.”

“I think you should know by now,” He shrugged. “Nothing. Dr.Abelsson would’ve told you that I don’t give a shit about your treatments.”

“Should I ask _why_?” Nurse Braginskaya asked.

“No need to, he would probably respond with something vulgar.” It was Nurse Braginskaya’s turn to side-eye her.

“Well, _I_ would like to know.” She looked at Lovino. It was strange – Nobody liked to dig into that much. Or, well, nobody really cared when they found out.

Still, he scoffed, “If I could switch it off with an ice bath or a few pictures of women I would have a white picket fence by now,” He shrugged. “So, there’s no point in pretending.” He glanced at Antonio.

“I see…” She frowned, almost looking like she was going to cry. _Weak_ – Crying was weakness here. No doubt Nurse Beilschmidt knew that already. “Well, if I could have it my way, I would hope that this place didn’t have to exist.”

“But it does. Accept that,” Nurse Beilschmidt said, interrupting any sense of hope that could’ve possibly been planted in anybody’s mind. She sighed, “Antonio, you had an incident yesterday?” Even she sounded surprised reading off the clipboard. “Dr.Abelsson’s notes were telling.”

“Incident?” Lovino narrowed his eyes as Antonio seemed to try and wish away her hard gaze. Both him and Emma were looking like scolded dogs – Even if Antonio was the one playing dumb, it was clear that he was just trying to will his way out of this situation.

“I think you know what I mean but I doubt it would be productive today. Just don’t do it again and you should be able to remain on track,” But, it was his lucky day as she looked down at the board. Perhaps it was only because there was another pair of eyes that wasn’t used to seeing this kind of treatment. “Feliciano, you’ve been doing-“

“Horrible,” He finished, she shot him a look. This clearly wasn’t discussed between them. “I’ve been… Horrible.” She wrote something down hesitantly.

“Horrible it is.” The glare that she seemed to give him was boring a hole into Feliciano’s skull – Right between the eyes. That couldn’t be good, Lovino had decided that himself. He could tell the air had gone cold around them just from that.

Yet, Feliciano avoided Lovino’s suspicious gaze.

* * *

“What’s so horrible?” Monika asked. She crossed her arms, disliking the fact that she didn’t know already. “You’ve been perfectly fine lately.”

He was ignoring her yet smiling, “I finished it today. Do you want it?”

“Define _it_.” He swung his sketchbook around. The sight of it made her lose track of her breath. “Why the hell would you do _that_?” He shrugged.

“You said _anything_ so I did what I thought you would like…” Ripping the page out, he presented it to her. “Yourself.”

Insulted, she took the paper, “You’re mocking me.” This woman’s eyes were staring at her like she knew how much she hated her.

Feliciano frowned, “I didn’t mean it to be mocking. Most people like to have their portrait taken.”

“Well, not me…” She sighed. “But it is good. I just won’t be keeping it.” A mental note had been made to throw it away at home lest someone find it and make unappreciated jokes about her image. It was too soft for her.

“Sometimes you’re too honest,” He laughed. “I don’t know if I should cry or not.”

“You never answered my question,” The way he liked to pretend everything was _fine_ frustrated her. At least she could manage to keep things under control before they ever became a problem – He just let it _rest_ the way it was. “I want to know your plan – We’re allies, we share plans.”

“Plan?” He furrowed his brows before standing. “There is no _new_ plan. I’m staying because I must.”

“You _must_? I thought this was a choice.”

“It is a choice,” He shook his head. “I just can’t leave here. You’ve made me realise that it’s the only good choice I can make.”

“And making everything seem horrible is a way of doing that?” She scoffed. “When Dr.Abelsson asks you what _horrible_ means on my notes then you’re going to have to elaborate. Make up a story more long-lasting that justifies your stay.”

“I don’t need to make up a story,” He rubbed his palms on his pants. “Ever since _her_ I’ve been too afraid to go to sleep. And-And I haven’t been thinking straight. I say it’s been horrible because it _is_ horrible and the only thing that I can think to do is to stay. At least here I’m not alone. I’m afraid.”

Monika frowned, “Well, you should get used to being alone,” She said coolly. “One day you’ll be the only one to take care of yourself.”

“How can you say that?” The hurt tone in his voice didn’t elicit an ounce of guilt. It wasn’t her fault he was hurt. It couldn’t be her fault if he was broken from the start. “I thought you understood.”

“I do understand. I just don’t care for your…” Weakness was the wrong word. It certainly wasn’t _strength_ but weakness would mean she were just as weak as him. “Sentimentality. Relying on staying here won’t fix anything. You will leave this place and you will still be the same broken mind as before.”

“Then what’s the _point_ of this place? Isn’t that your-“

“If I thought this place could _fix_ people then I would be a fool,” She admitted. “The most we do is keep the decay of the mind stagnant. At worst, people die even more broken than before. Simple as that. You won’t find what you’re looking for here,” Her expression showed her pity for such a lost person. “I wouldn’t be saying that if I didn’t consider you a friend.”

“ _Friend_?” He said in disbelief. “ _This_ is what you consider friendship? You ask me to kill someone, you give me hope and then you crush it? How much longer until I have to kill Braginskaya for _friendship_?”

“I do consider this a friendship of sorts, yes,” She remarked, offended. Although, she couldn’t outright dismiss him. She had never had a _friend_ before but this was the best idea of it she had. Something semi-reciprocal, seemingly at least, something that wasn’t necessary but happened anyway. It wasn’t _necessary_ to keep her word for him but she was doing it anyway, be it honour, duty _or_ kindness it was something that she didn’t do for just anyone. The only way she could justify it was that it was only good for her to stick to her word, it meant that when the opportunity arose it would be easier to gain trust only to use it against them – That she couldn’t see for Feliciano’s fate. _That_ was friendship. “Have I treated you poorly as of yet?”

It took him a while to process before he answered, “Yes. By making me do that in the first place.” She frowned. It was a deal. _Reciprocal_ – The foundations of friendship.

“There would be nothing between us if you didn’t. I’m sacrificing _a lot_ for you so it’s only fair you did so for me.” The way his face displayed conflict wasn’t helping her case. Comfort. Even grown men needed comfort. Most did. “Braginskaya doesn’t need to die. Héderváry did. As for Dr.Abelsson... He deserves death but somehow I think he’s going to do that to himself.” Hopefully, though, she could rush the process – Perhaps involving Feliciano in that wouldn’t be the best move.

“Your idea of _deserve_ is loose,” To him, maybe. “You confuse me.”

“Yes, it doesn’t take much to confuse you,” She quipped. “ _An eye for an eye_. Héderváry and Dr.Abelsson were responsible for my purpose here. I promised myself I would repay them. I’m sure you would understand that the ambiguity of my past is just as important to me as yours is to you.”

He shook his head, “No, you seem to love knowing everything about me and yet I don't know a thing about you other than you're a vengeful woman.” Vengeful she was but she knew that revenge and justice was a fine line that often became indistinguishable from the other. This, she had decided, was justice no matter how vengeful it was. However, she couldn't help but think over his words further - Reality was that she _didn't_ know everything about him. Even if she was clearly on the right track.

“But not from your mouth,” She pointed out. “Almost everything I know about you is a game of deduction and experience. I would say it’s stupid to pretend it’s shameful but it’s the only reasonable response to be cautious with your secrets. You never know when they’ll be used against you.” She was certain that nobody would be worth telling hers to – It seemed like anybody she trusted enough had to disappear in one way or another. As for Feliciano, there was no point, he too would have to leave eventually even if he felt differently right now. This would be the best piece of comfort he could ever give him, learning to deal with being alone. But somehow, she doubted it would be something he could learn from her if he hadn’t learned that by now.

“I do hope you keep it,” He changed the subject. Something he liked doing – Especially when he was uncomfortable. “I worked hard on it.”

“I don’t doubt that. But what would people think if they saw a picture of myself on my walls?” She posited.

“You don’t have visitors. Don’t pretend you have visitors…” The depressed tone of voice he had developed over the course of the conversation had become the new normal. It should never have been the new normal, she had decided.

She took the paper out of her pocket and opened it up again. It was soft – She almost looked girlish. Not a woman at all, “I want another one then,” She said. It was something about the hair, “But different.” No, not just the hair but the eyes. It was something about the eyes.

“Do you want me to do something else?” She shook her head.

“Still me. But different,” She handed the paper back to him. “I’ll bring you something from outside to eat.” Somehow the prospect of food was enough to give him a glint of hope. Even if he tentatively took the page back, it was clear that he was going to agree. Not with an offer like that.

“Okay…” She nodded, satisfied. “But I have no idea what you would want _different_ to be.”

“Real,” She said bluntly. “I want something real. Not so…” She couldn’t find the words to explain it. Not without sounding like a stupid girl. “I’ll sit for you tomorrow.”

He nodded but something was missing from him. Something in the eyes.

* * *

“Has Nurse Beilschmidt been good to you?” Dr.Abelsson asked. The nurse nodded with a smile.

“Everything has been fine. I think I understand my role here a little better.” Monika couldn’t help but roll her eyes internally – This was all an act. It had to be. She just wanted to get to higher places, most _normal_ people were like that.

“Right well, I suppose I have two concerns to bring up. First, Braginskaya, you will be a permanent member of staff. You will be fulfilling Nurse Beilschmidt’s _old_ duties.” She could feel her blood boil.

“My _old_ duties? Is this a termination?” She clenched her fists. “I’ve worked every damn day to get to this point and you’re just going to-“

He slid the golden pin across the desk, close enough for her to reach herself, “You’re head nurse. Congratulations.” Braginskaya gasped.

“That’s wonderful, Nurse Beilschmidt. _Or_ , Head Nurse Beilschmidt.” She seemed t be the only person elated in this room. For her, it felt cold and she didn’t know why. Maybe because this was blood money but she certainly didn’t feel guilty about it. She took the pin but didn’t attach it to her breast.

“Thank you…” She was slightly embarrassed about her outburst just moments before. But this wasn’t for her anymore, there was more for her. “May I have a word in private?” Indicating her specific request, she nodded towards Braginskaya. Dr.Abelsson seemed to have enough sense to get the idea.

“You’ve done well, Nurse Braginskaya. Exactly as your experience has been used so far – I hope to see more of it,” _She didn’t_. “However, if you have any more to say then we can discuss it later.” Braginskaya had the nerve to suppress a laugh.

“Well, good thing I can’t find the words – Other than thank you, of course,” Monika didn’t look at her when the woman turned her attention to her instead. “Congratulations, Nurse Beilschmidt. Truly.” _Truly_. Nobody said something like that genuinely, it was simply polite to _or_ mockingly. Never genuine.

“Thank you.” She said rather unenthusiastically. It was the way Braginskaya smiled at her that really threw her off. It didn’t have the same effect as Nurse Héderváry’s, not the same strain on the corners of her lips, not the same way she seemed to grit through it just to walk by Monika. It was painful the sense of normality that Braginskaya had. She didn’t have the same horrors attached to her that made Monika just want to reach over and _destroy_ her. It was the vulgarity of her body, her beautiful face and soft tufts of coiffed hair that made her want to trip her, but not the same hatred she thought she should have. An annoyance, a strange one. An ant under her soles. It didn’t matter if she tried to find a way to fit into her life – She was head nurse right now and that couldn’t be taken so easily. Well, unless this was a ploy by Dr.Abelsson. A thought that had been plaguing her the entire wait for Braginskaya to finally shut that office door behind her.

“What is it?” It seemed as if Dr.Abelsson had anticipated this to be stress-inducing, lighting another cigarette to quell the dread.

“I do hope you intend to keep this as is,” The gold between her fingers felt strange. Unreal. “I sacrificed-“

“I know you killed her.” Dr.Abelsson interrupted, blowing smoke from between his lips. The statement didn’t phase her.

Shaking her head, she pinned the brooch to her left breast, “ _I_ did not kill her,” It was something she could say with complete honesty. The cold stare the doctor gave her didn’t make her move an inch. “Your silence tells me you know it’s the truth.” The blade wasn’t in her hand.

“But you know who did.” She shrugged.

“I have some idea.” Dr.Abelsson seemed unimpressed. Of course he was. He always was with her. Such a conclusion wasn’t important to her anyway, there was no proof and that much was impossible to have her arrested, gossip certainly wasn’t enough to justify that.

“Well, I would otherwise have integrity but at this moment I feel it was best to avoid the trouble.” Monika scoffed.

“Please, you never had integrity so why pretend now?” She smoothed out her skirt. “I think this was the right choice for your sake but my God, your hands are shaking from the poison you swallow every night. I always wondered why you did that to yourself.”

“We all have our reasons for what we do. Including you and your rotten heart.” He picked up his fountain pen without another word. It didn’t matter if there was no further discussion, to her, it was her victory and that was all that mattered.

“Thank you, Dr.Abelsson,” She sighed, shaking her head. “Good day.” Tomorrow would be another day – A better day than the ones preceding and that much was enough to have her motivated.

* * *

A scream rang out through the halls that Lovino had never heard before. It was inhuman, bloodcurdling. The sound alone was enough to make his heart race and hands tingle, but it was impossible for the entirety of the level to _not_ hear it. He was sure that it had even rung out to some of the levels below.

He tried to think of who it could possibly be. It was a man, but the scream alone was too animalistic to understand _who_ had elicited it. He had thought of his brother first. There were times when he had heard such things in the middle of the night during the earlier years of his discharge – But that seemed like such a long time ago. _Maybe that’s what he had meant by horrible_.

But to be sleeping so early was odd and he couldn’t be certain. No matter who it was, it was enough to keep him alert.


End file.
